Birmingham - Pamela Anderson:
Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall:
Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud:
Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona:
Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley:
Undeniabley easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Danni Minogue:
The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Fulham - Charlotte Church:
Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Arsenal - Jordan:
Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh:
Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but needs a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido:
Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor:
Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens:
You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Bolton - Margaret Thatcher:
You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth.

Man United - Catherine Zeta Jones:
Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American with too much money.
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DUBLIN SLANG NORTHSIDE TO SOUTHSIDE!!!!!


Ah jayzus = Oh...moi...gawd
Stall it = Would you goys pleaz wait a sec loike
Lets stall it = Lets go now
Deadly buzz = this is fun
Howiya boss = how are you?
wots da storrie = any news?
Pass the da duthchy = could you please pass me that can of rats piss?
savage tunes = this music is exquisite
ah jazus not again = oh look im pregnant
batter burgar an chips = dinner time
shes a focking lash = she is very atractive
ahh jayzus pay day = the dole
boat shoes = dubes
posho = your very well spoken
do u want ur go = i am getting ready 2 fight you
ur poxie = you r not a nice person
anto = anthony
jasinta = sorcha
im dieing 4 shmoke = iv a serious need for a ciggarette
celtic r fukin awesum = that football team is quite good
ill cut true u 4 a short cut = do u want 2 tussel?
im gona kilt you = im going 2 dress you like a scotsman
deadly buzz = a romping time
fucking deadly = jolly gud show
i shat her out = i just gave birth
its an anto = its a boy
its a jasinta = its a girl
stick dath dubeery onya= put on that hat
me fucking gash is killin me= my private parts are aching
shut up r ill ride = be quiet r i mite tke advantage of u
r u stallin it 2 spin = i am 10 years old
will ya scare her = do you wont STDs??
shes a slagg = she kan b easy
do ya want a turn = do you find my frend atractive
storri chung fella = hallow young person