A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?...

It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

Quotes...

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid
problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?


Peter Kay's Universal Truths...

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure