QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes

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Shane Lyin on the couch extremely confused
"Im as midered as a grown tree"

Dec after watchin an ad on the telly
"If i had sex every time i left down a pint, id never drink again"

Conor comes home after scorin on Valentines night
Dec: "How did you get talkin to her?"
Conor: "I started eatin her gummy bears"
Dec: "Is that what theyre callin it nowadays?"
Shane: "I used to call it box"

Philly talkin bout a Saturday night out
Philly: "I was at a birthday party sat nite
Dec: "Whos was it?"
Philly: "My boyfriends girlfriend"

Watching the Weather, refering to the weathergirl
Shane: "Would ya?"
Dec: "Sure id get up on a cracked plate"
Philly: "I dunno, not so close to the exams"

In the Goalpost during rag week
Some girl: "Im awful wet"
Shane turns her friend around, has a look at her
"Shes Dry enough"

In the middle of a night of farting, after Shane farts
Mac: "Your the worst here"
Shane: "Theres hardly pot pouris commin outta your arse"
Shane continues
"Thats what you get when your push air through shite"

Shane talking bout a girl:
"Shes a bit shy but she comes out of herself when she drinks, sure im bang on when ive a few pints!"

Dec playing darts and hits a single 4 instead of a double:
"Ah fuck down it, im on fuckin fuck"

Conor on about rape:
"I wouldn't rape someone, but i'd definatley hold them down"

Shane and Philly walking past Club Pi:
Pi Rep: "Lads, where are ye going tonight?"
Philly: "Not fucking there anyway"

Dec in the girls house and clearly obvious he was a frog:
Dec: "What animal am i, ribbet, ribbet?"
Edel: "A rabbit"

The 4 of us having a laugh about someones big toes and a paranoid Edel goes:
Edel: "Hey guys, what are ye laughing at?"
Shane: "Don't worry, Theres nothing 'toe' it!"

Shane and Dec walking out from college and pass by a girl with big breasts:
Dec: "Scan those tits were huge, whats that about?"
Shane: "They were big tits, thats what thats about"

After watchin an episode of Extras:
Dec: "I like Kate's Winlet"

At the house listenin to music:
Dec: "The Beatles were fucking good"
Shane: "Do you think they'll ever get back together?"

Walking down to the Roisin Tues nite:
Aileen! "One thing i always wanted to know-"
Dec interupts:
Dec: "About 6 inches"

In the house outta nowhere, at top of his voice:
Conor: "Morgan, We are not watching aliens"

Shane and Dec in the libray telling Aileen about the kittens:
Shane: "We got 6 kittens, they're out the back"
Aileen: "Aww what are ye gonna do with them?"
Dec: "Drown them"

Philly, after learnin he was playin on Sat:
"Fuck them, i'll fill the water botttles with crypto fuckin sporium"

Dec and Conor talkin to Aileen bout her assets:
Dec: "Aileen, you got nice boobs"
Conor: "I don't like brown nipples, have you got brown nipples?"

All in Ti na nOg on a thurs nite:
Shane: "Dec, well go knockin on a couple of brown stars tonite"
Orla: "Shane, i no what that means"


More to follow.......