Condom Joke 1

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!

Condom Joke 2

A teenager goes into a pharmacy. He's little bit shy when talking to the pharmacist. "I'd like to buy some condoms" he says. The pharmacists asks him

"have you ever bought condoms before son?"

"Nope"

"here is how it works" the pharacist says "we got your three packs for when you are in high school. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. A three pack, see. Then we got a 7 pack when you are in college - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Then we got a 12 pack for when you are married. "January, February, …."

Condom Joke 3

One day Bill Clinton is sitting in the oval office. The phone rings. It is Saddam Husein. "Bill" Saddam says "My country is under deep economic sanctions, and we are running short of condoms. It is getting to be an emergency. Can you send over one million condoms?"

Clinton says "I think it is important for us to make peace in some ways and this is a good start. I will have them sent".

Saddam says "Thanks Bill, By the way, can you make sure they are nine inches (225mm) long and three inches wide (75mm) because that is the common size in my country".

Clinton says "Sure".

After he hangs up the phone, Bill Clinton picks up the phone and calls the president of Trojan. "This is Bill Clinton. I need a special order placed. I need one million condoms. I need them made nine inches long and three inches wide".

The president of Trojan says "sure".

Clinton continues "and I need the package to be stamped U.S.A. - Medium".

These condom jokes are not the property of feelconfident.co.uk. If you have coprighted them, and our use of them is in some way offensive, please contact us.


Condom Joke 4

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, 'This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.'Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you.''But wait,' he said. 'If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!''Really? Great! Show me!'So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he

So sweet, so beautiful
Everyday like a queen on her throne
Don't nobody knows how she feels
Aicha, Lady one day it will be real

She moves, she moves like a breeze
I swear I can't get her out of my dreams
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all them tears in my eyes

Aicha Aicha - passing me by (there she goes again)
Aicha Aicha - my my my (is it really real)
Aicha Aicha - smile for me now
Aicha Aicha - in my life

She holds her child to her heart
Makes her feel like she is blessed from above
Falls asleep underneath her sweet tears
Her lullaby fades away with his fears

Aicha Aicha - passing me by (there she goes again)
Aicha Aicha - my my my (is it really real)
Aicha Aicha - smile for me now
Aicha Aicha - in my life

She needs somebody to lean on
Someone body, mind & soul
To take her hand, to take her world
And show her the time of her life, so true
Throw the pain away for good
No more contemplating boo

Lord knows the way she feels
Everyday in his name she begins
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all them tears in my eyes
Aicha Aicha - ecoute moi

Aicha Aicha - passing me by (there she goes again)
Aicha Aicha - my my my (is it really real)
Aicha Aicha - smile for me now
Aicha Aicha - in my life

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle/random
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button


Opening Credits:
California by Phantom Planet

Waking Up:
Growing On Me by The Darkness

First Day At School:
Hello Sunshine by Syd Matters

Falling In Love:
Get Your Hands Off My Woman by The Darkness

Breaking Up:
Stuck In A Rut by The Darkness

Life's OK:
Numbskull by Ash

Mental Breakdown:
Hallelujah by John Cale

Driving:
Fighting For My Love by Nil Lara

Flashback:
Sometimes by Ash

Getting Back Together:
Same Jeans by The View

Wedding:
Uncle Pat by Ash

Birth of Child:
Candy by Ash

Final Battle:
A Life Less Ordinary by Ash

Death Scene:
Private Eye by Alkaline Trio

Funeral Song:
Superman by Lazlo Blane

Sex Scene:
Bad Day by Daniel Powter

Dance Sequence:
Hands Clean by Alanis Morisette

End Credits:
Radio by Alkaline Trio