I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."

I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still..get up there.

I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes!? No one seems to care! Who can eat at a time like this!? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work

This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means it's dirty.

The other day I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn't start loading shit into a truck.

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-whore! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's ALWAYS on time

GERMAN JOKES!!!
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

****

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

****

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

****

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.

****

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

****

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

****

Why do women fake 0rgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

****

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house"

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a pr0stitute to subsidise her
drug habit"

****

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

****

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

I've learned...


...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

...that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

...to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages

(va te faire foutre si vous ne pouvez pas prendre une plaisanterie) - French

(Du Arschloch, wenn Sie nicht einen Witz nehmen können)- German

(vaffunculo se non potete prendere uno scherzo) - Itailian

(vai se foder se você não puder fazer exame de um gracejo) - Portugese

(vete a la mierda si usted no puede tomar una broma) - Spanish