After having their 11th child, a Liverpudlian couple decided
that was enough, as the social couldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and
his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive..

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4,
5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so
he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also worked in Middlesbrough ,Sunderland,West Hartlepool, Stamford , parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales .

An actor comes home after a long day of doing drop
offs and finds his wife packing her bags.

"What's going on, honey?"

His wife, obviously in a hurry, blurts out, "Your
agent stopped by this morning and we had a cup of
coffee. We started talking and one thing led to
another - we ended up ripping each others clothes
off and spending all day making mad, passionate love.
He was magnificent. We are going to Acapulco for the
weekend. When we get back, I want a divorce."

The actor becomes very agitated and says, "Hold on!
Wait a minute! Back up! My agent came over? Did he
say anything about that pilot I'm up for?"



If force doesn't work, you're not using enough



A busy casting director comes home after a long day
of casting - and hears voices in the bedroom.

When she walks in the bedroom, she sees her husband
lying naked in bed, smoking. There's a naked woman
lying next to him, dreamily playing with her hair.

The naked woman is an actor the CD recognizes.

"Denise! My God! What have you been doing?"

The woman looks up, and without missing a beat says,
"Well, yesterday I had an audition at ABC - and last
week I did a nice under five on Law and Order."



If we could read minds, we wouldn't need headsets



Do what the director tells you to do, than do it the right way


If all the world's a stage...I want better lighting!"


If it's lose, an actor will trip over it, if you say not to touch it, they'll touch it, actors are like kids growing up, no real regards for the rules and just want to do their own thing.


Be kind to your techies, or they will turn out the lights and go home!


Lord grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those actors I had to kill because they pissed me off.


I'm NEVER going to direct another play with actors in it."





Ten things you will never hear an actor say:



1. Let's not talk about me.
2. I really think my big scene should be cut.
3. This costume is so comfortable.
4. I love my shoes.
5. No problem - I can do that for myself.
6. I have a fantastic agent.
7. I have no prospects of work for the forseeable future.
8. Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.

9. Well done I think you were better than me.

10. What can I do to help?



Theatrical job skills (as defined by a stage manager):



The Producer:

Leaps Tall Buildings in a Single Bound

Is More Powerful than a Locomotive

Is Faster than a Speeding Bullet

Walks on Water

Gives Policy to God



The Director:

Leaps Short Buildings in a Single Bound

Is More Powerful than a Switch Engine

Is Just as Fast as a Speeding Bullet

Walks on Water if the Sea is Calm

Talks with God



The Playwright:

Leaps Short Buildings with a Running Start

Is Almost as Powerful as a Switch Engine

Is Faster than a Speeding BB

Swims Well

Is Occasionally Addressed by God



The Actor:

Makes Marks on the Wall when Trying to Leap Buildings

Is Run Over by Locomotives

Can Sometimes Handle a Gun without Inflicting Self-Injury

Dog Paddles

Talks to Animals



The Technician:

Runs Directly into Buildings

Recognizes Locomotives Two out of Three Times

Is Not Issued Ammunition

Can Stay Afloat with a Life Preserver

Talks to Walls (otherwise known as actors)



The Stage Manager:

Lifts Buildings and Walks under Them

Kicks Locomotives off the Track

Catches Speeding Bullets in Teeth and Eats Them

Freezes Water with a Single Glance

Is GOD





Please be aware that the following clean-up fees are in place and will be STRICTLY ENFORCED:



Killing or maiming an actor: $10

Killing or maiming a dancer: $20

Killing or maiming a stagehand: $50 (to cover disinfection of the stage area)

Killing or maiming pit musicians: NO CHARGE



An additional

Stage crew do it in the dark

The production triangle:

Quick
Good Cheap

Pick any two

If we could read minds, we wouldn't need headsets

Do what the director tells you to do,
then do it the right way

Gaffer tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together... (or my shoes)


If All the World's a stage, and all the people merely players...

....who the ##^@(%^ has my script?