FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half and hour. Five minutes is only ever five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in “fine”

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it!!

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay,” means that’s she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!!!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!!

Oh, and before we forget…

“ WHATEVER”
… it’s a woman’s way of saying FUCK YOU!!!

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work daiquiri, a glass of wine on the weekend, you're even around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for a previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on
the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour)on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. No Kebabs are just not tasty enough Thank you!
4. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

1. Vodka is always stiff
2. It doesn't look smaller in the cold
3. It lasts as long as you want it to
4. Vodka doesn't prod you in the back in the mornings demanding attention
5. You don't care how far down your throat Vodka goes
6. You can have as many vodkas as you like in one night without being easy
7. You can enjoy Vodka in front of your mum

And last but not least...
8. Vodka is always a pleasure to swallow!