Drinking actually makes you brainier


A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

QUESTIONS IN LIFE THAT NEED ANSWERING??
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

The Hoff 58 days ago

1. David Hasselhoff once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live.

3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy *rap! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fu*k down.

10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets David instead. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.

12. In fine print on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's *hit.

14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.

16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.....at night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammys are for queers." Then he'd eat a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22. David Hasselhoff doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his *enis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fu**ing another.

23. When David Hasselhoff does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

24. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

25. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light......except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

26. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

27. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

28. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.