I saw it coming, as the choirboy probably said to the air steward. Way back in the '70s, when girlie boy Kevin Keegan started poncing about with a perm, I knew the writing was on the wall for real men. Footballers are to blame. And I hate them. They earn more money in a week than my dear old dad earned in a lifetime and I wouldn't let them wipe my a**e with their gold-embossed cheque books.

When I was a lad if you scored a goal you shook hands with your teammates and had a quick smoke on the way back to the halfway line, followed by 12 pints of Manchester bitter and a vindaloo. Now you stick your tongue down your teammate's neck and run round the corner-flag pretending to be a flamingo.

But whatever these "new men" think, women don't like them. Oh no. They might like the posh cars and the bling and the mock-Tudor house, but they loathe their preening prancing ways as much as I do. They want a real man. Real men do not wear gloves when they play football. Real men do not moisturise. Real men do not give a tinker's where the G-spot is-they just want a quickie, then down the pub with their mates for a pint and a pickled egg. And that's what women want.

Don't believe me? Remember all that new man b******s from a few years ago? Women told men they wanted us going to prenatal classes, changing nappies, being sensitive, putting the bins out without being asked, remembering their birthdays and attending parents' evenings when there's football on the box.

Then there's foreplay. Remember that? Pretending you want to lick their toes and recite Indian love poetry when all you really want to do is... I digress.

All I'm saying is, when husbands are out at work and their wives are at home alone, do you think they're dreaming of some fop smelling of baby cream? No, they are not. Do you know who they're thinking of? No? Then let me tell you. They're thinking of me.

They'll deny it of course, but what women want is a real man. A man with a face that shows experience, pain, strife and strength. A man who can pick them up and flip them over like a pancake. A man who hasn't got a clue how to buy underwear but knows how to rip it off. A man who smells of sweat and honest toil and not Eau De Poof. They once laughed and called me a dinosaur. Well, who's laughing now? This dinosaur is back. And it doesn't moisturise.

Q. What's Bruce Lee's favourite drink?
A. WATA!!!!!

Q. How do sheep stay warm in the winter?
A. Central bleating.

Q. Why did the girl take a pencil to bed?
A. So that she could draw the curtains

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Doctor, Doctor, I'm being ignored.
A. Next please.

[Patient] Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a moth.
[Doctor] I already to you to see a psychiatrist.
[Patient] I was on my way when I saw your light on.

Q. Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains.
A. Pull yourself togther man.

Q. Why was the cannibal's tummy upset?
A. Because he ate people that disagreed with him.

Q. Why did the boa constrictors get married?
A. Because they had a crush on each other.

Q. Why do cows have bells?
A. Because their horns don't work.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who? Just in time for a cuppa.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
What are you crying for?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Ma damn finger's stuck in the door.

Q. What do you give to someone who has everything?
A. Pennisclyn

Q. What's an astronaught's favourite meal of the day?
A. Launch

Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, she's already been told twice.

An old lady at the bank machine asked me help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Q. Why do golfers bring two pairs of trousers?
A. In case they get a hole in one.

Q. What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
A. Justice Fingers.

Q. What's an archeologist?
A. Someone whose career is in ruins.

Q. What's the strongest bird?
A. A crane.

Q. What insect is good at math?
A. An account-ant.

Q. What kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?
A. Iceberg.

Q. Why do pigs make good spies?
A. They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.

Q. What kind of snake is it good to have on a car?
A. Windshield vipers.

Q. What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A. A tuba toothpaste.

Q. Why did the baker rob the bank?
A. He needed the dough.

Q. What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?
A. A hobby horse.

Q. What did one plate say to the other?
A. Lunch is on me.

Q. What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
A. Wait at the buzz stop.

Q. What is the most military day of the year?
A. March 4th.

Q. What happens when a T-Rex bites you?
A. You get a dino-sore.

Q.What did one hat say to the other hat?
A. You stay here. I'll go on a head.

Q. What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick?
A. "Ve have vays of making you tock!"

Q. Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil?
A. It had no point.

Did you hear about the human cannonball? First day on the job, he was fired.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.



SO MANY MORE JOKES BUT I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO PUT THEM ON OR THEY'RE INAPPROPRIATE


http://a.rinkworks.com/jokes/jokes13...