When Paul O Connell was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Paul O Connell”.
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Paul O Connell spared your life.
Paul O Connell won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
What color is Paul O Connell’s blood? Trick question. Paul O Connell does not bleed.
Paul O Connell once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
When Paul stares into the sun, the sun flinches.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Paul O Connell says its beef. Then it’s beef.
James Bond has a license to kill. Paul O Connell don’t need any licenses.
Paul O Connell’ calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Paul O Connell.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Paul O Connell. Sounds like a fair fight.
Paul O Connell played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Paul O Connell once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
You can lead a horse to water. Paul O Connell can make him drink.
Paul O Connell once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Paul O Connell jumps out.
Simon Says should be renamed to Paul O Connell Says because if Paul O’Connell says something then you better do it.
Killing Paul O Connell doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Paul O Connell does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
When Google can’t find something, it asks Paul O Connell for help.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Paul O Connell way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
When Paul O Connell watches a pot, it boils immediately.
Paul O Connell once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
Paul O Connell has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Paul O’Connell.
Superman wears Paul O Connell pyjames
People with amnesia still remember Paul O Connell

Reasons why guitars are better than women

1. A guitar has a volume knob.
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one.
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to.
4. You can unplug a guitar.
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more.
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset.
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested.
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care.
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune it.
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar.
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set.
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to your liking.
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required.
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free.
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.





Reasons why women are better than guitars

1. Women are more fun when the power goes out.
2. You can't get your guitar wet.
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4"
5. A guitar won't beg to be played.
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it.
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue.
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive.
9. A guitar won't play you back.
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream.
11. A guitar won't scratch your back.
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk.
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it.
14. You can't play two guitars at once.
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar..
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really do want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for
seven days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God
"Where were you?" God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?" God
replied It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot.
Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and
another one of blacks in the South."

Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?"

"Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special
place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful
mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and exquisit coastline. These people here are going
to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters And I'm going to give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad on, and for which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said, "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be balance..?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting
next door to them!!