Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

A bridge to Hawaii


A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when
suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
Because you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I
can ride
over
anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the
enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required
to reach the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for
me
to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and
think
of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know
how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a
woman truly happy .'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food
court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting
next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad
kept staring at him. The teenager would look and
find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I
would not choke on his response; knowing he would have
a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'