If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
- Kurt Vonnegut

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
- Sir Winston Churchill

That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.
- William J. H. Boetcker

(Stolen and written by a guy... you'll see.)
Things not to do while hungover:

1 Charter a boat to Alaska.
2 Eat that half eaten Burger King from last night. You will regret it.
3 Figure out why you woke up half naked at a bus stop. Some things are better left unknown.
4 Turn your music up really loud and mosh.
5 Try and give yourself fellatio like you always thought you couldn’t.

Best ways to self destruct:

1 Make a whole lot of money, then blow it all on a big boat that you can’t afford.
2 Become a suicide bomber.
3 Start working for SCS.
4 Spend all of your money on legal battles and a theme park, like Michel Jackson.
5 Become a Hare Krishna.

People we really want to just shut up:

1 Those stupid Krishnas on Cuba St. I don’t want enlightenment, so fuck off.
2 Mark Sainsbury.
3 Bono.
4 John Key.
5 Paris Hilton. For fuck’s sake just go to prison already.

Pointers for when you’re losing your edge as a rock star.

1 Coconut trees pose more of a threat than you thought they did.
2 Scientology is starting to sound pretty good.
3 You have to leave the band you’re in because they are fucked off with how many drugs you do.
4 You replace your lead singer with a person from Iced Earth.
5 Even your groupies are looking tired.

Ways to avoid colds this winter:

1 Do what the Hindus do and herd cows. I hear it gets you a god or something.
2 Don’t kiss anybody if you don’t know where they have been.
3 Don’t go to lectures. They always have sick people in them.
4 Avoid Grandma’s baking that looks older than she is.
5 Get the flu vaccine… Though that would just be easy.

Ways to avoid going to prison like Paris is:

1 Piss and moan at every opportunity to celebrity rags.
2 Pay off the judge. Though for that you would need money.
3 Play the overly effeminate pussy card about being helpless.
4 Er… Be famous.
5 Sleep with the judge then blackmail them with the tape… You know she would, so why wouldn’t you?

Moustaches:

1 Tom Selleck
2 That guy from American Chopper.
3 Hulk Hogan.
4 Hitler.
5 Jessie ‘The Devil’ Hughes, from The Eagles of Death Metal.

Things you shouldn’t be able to do after you die:

1 Write books…J.R.R, I’m looking at you mate.
2 Release music. Marley, Tupac, you’re both guilty of this one.
3 Get things credited to you.
4 Be indicted for another crime. Seriously I don’t know how many times this has happened in states with the death penalty.
5 Get more famous.