These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
-------------------------
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
------------------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
------------------------
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
---------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
-----------------------------
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
-----------------------
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
------------------------
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
---------------------------
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
-------------------------
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
-----------------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
-------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
--------------------------

AMERICA PSYCHO
BIG FISH
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
FRIDAY THE 13TH
DUMB AND DUMBER
NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
EDWARD SCISSORS HANDS
AMERICAN PIE 1-3
AMERICAN BEAUTY
CHOPPER
INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE
LOST BOYS
BRAM STOKERS DRACULA
HELLBOY
LABRYNTH
DIE HARD 1-4
LETHAL WEAPON 1-4
IN BRUGES
GLADIATOR
LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY
STAR WARS ORIGINAL TRILOGY
BLADE RUNNER
SHORT CIRCUIT (JONNY 5)
STARGATE
ALIENS QUADRILOGY
THE MUMMY
30 DAYS OF NIGHT
28 DAYS/WEEKS LATER
EXORCIST
THE OMEN
AUSTIN POWERS
BEETLEJUICE
MULTIPLICITY
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
HOUSE OF A 1000 COURPSES
DEVILS REJECTS
HALLOWEEN MOVIES
IT
MATRIX
HERE NO EVIL SEE NO EVIL
ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE
CADDY SHACK
THE CRAFT
SUPERBAD
KNOCKED UP
ZOOLANDER
WATERBOY
MR DEEDS
BLOOD DIAMOND
AMERICAN GANGSTER
TRAINING DAY
SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
MEET THE PARENTS
MEET THE FOCKERS
TURTLES 2
TERMINATOR 2 : JUDGMENT DAY
INDEPENDENTS DAY
FIRE IN THE SKY
THE PRESTIGE
THE MACHINIST
PSYCHO (HITCHCOCK)
DAWN OF THE DEAD (ORIGINAL)
PLANET OF THE APES TRILOGY
SAW 1 AND 2
21
BATMAN
BATMAN RETURNS
BATMAN BEGINS
THE DARK KNIGHT
NATIONAL TREASURE 1-2
RADERS OF THE LOST ARC
MONSTERS INC
KUNG FU PANDA
BLUE HARVEST
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHAL
GRANDMAS BOY
SUPER HIGH ME
AMERICAN HISTORY X
CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
REIGN OVER ME
WOLF
THE DEPARTED
THE SHINING
SWEENEY TODD (BURTON)
SLEEPY HOLLOW
ALPHA DOG
SIN CITY
UNBREAKABLE
MURCURY RISING
3:10 TO YUMA
HARSH TIMES
EQUILIBRIUM
THE BONE COLLECTOR
DEVILS ADVOCATE
BOURNE IDENTITY
OCEANS 11 (REMAKE)
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THE DECENT
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
HANNIBAL
WALK THE LINE
THE GREEN MILE
BIG LEBOWSKI
THIS IS SPINAL TAP
MUNICH
WAYNES WORLD 1-2
JONNY MNEMONIC
DEUCE BIGALOW
EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE
MAN ON FIRE
KING KONG
RAMBO
TOTAL RECALL
TEH RECRUIT
XMEN TRILOGY
HIDE AND SEEK
FIGHT CLUB
BLADE
BUTTERFLY EFFECT
MOTHMAN PROPHECIES
BILL AND TED 1-2
STIGMATA
ALMOST FAMOUS
ANCHORMAN
TENACIOUS D : PICK OF DESTINY
ORANGE COUNTY
SCHOOL OF ROCK
FRIDAY
NEXT FRIDAY
FRIDAY AFTER NEXT
DONT BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKIN' JUICE IN THE HOOD.
INTERMISSION
FUN WITH CHUCK AND LARRY
SEVERANCE
GOD FATHER TRILOGY
SCARFACE
CASINO
HUMAN TRAFFIC
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
BRUCE ALMIGHTY
JARHEAD
FULL METAL JACKET
BUFFALO SOLDIER
UNDERWORLD
SALEMS LOT (ORIGINAL)
CHILDSPLAY
THE RING (JAP ORIGINAL)
TRANSFORMERS
THE DOORS
BLOW
300
CABLE GUY
PIRATES OF THE CARRIBIAN
DARE DEVIL
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LOS VEGAS
MISSION TO MARS
EMPIRE RECORDS
more to be added......

1. Moby Dick - John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)
2. Toad - Ginger Baker (Cream)
3. Ticks And Leeches - Danny Carey (Tool)
4. 21st Century Schizoid Man - Michael Giles (King Crimson)
5. La Villa Strangiato - Neil Peart (Rush)
6. Erotomania - Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater)
7. Cobwebs And Strange - Keith Moon (The Who)
8. Tarkus - Carl Palmer (ELP)
9. Hot For Teacher - Alex Van Halen (Van Halen)
10. Heart Of The Sunrise - Bill Bruford (Yes)
11. Jesus Christ Pose - Matt Cameron (Soundgarden)
12. Fire - Mitch Mitchell (Jimi Hendrix)
13. Aja - Steve Gadd (Steely Dan)
14. Space Truckin - Ian Paice (Deep Purple)
15. By-Tor And The Snow Dog - Neil Peart (Rush)
16. A Quick One - Keith Moon (The Who)
17. Wipeout - Ron Wilson (Surfaris)
18. Dharma For One - Clive Bunker (Jethro Tull)
19. Rosanna - Jeff Porcaro (Toto)
20. One More Red Nightmare - Bill Bruford (King Crimson)
21. Don't Eat The Yellow Snow Suite - Ralph Humphrey (Frank Zappa)
22. Rat Salad - Bill Ward (Black Sabbath)
23. Do What You Like - Ginger Baker (Blind Faith)
24. Frankenstein - Chuck Ruff (Edgar Winter)
25. Toccata - Carl Palmer (ELP)
26. Revolution Is My Name - Vinnie Paul (Pantera)
27. Tank - Carl Palmer (ELP)
28. Reflection - Danny Carey (Tool)
29. Dance Of Eternity - Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater)
30. Soundchaser - Alan White (Yes)
31. Tragic - Terry Bozzio (Bozzio Levin Stevens)
32. Won't Get Fooled Again - Keith Moon (The Who)
33. Eternity's Breath Part I and II - Narrada Michael Walden (Mahavishnu Orch.)
34. Manic Depression - Mitch Mitchell (Jimi Hendrix)
35. Aenima - Danny Carey (Tool)
36. Tripping Billies - Carter Beauford (Dave Matthews Band)
37. Late In The Evening - Steve Gadd (Paul Simon)
38. Ice Cakes - Rod Morgenstein (Dixie Dregs)
39. Baby Don't You Do It - Keith Moon (The Who)
40. No Excuses - Sean Kinney (Alice in Chains)
41. My Generation - Keith Moon (The Who)
42. YYZ - Neil Peart (Rush)
43. War Ensemble - Dave Lombardo (Slayer)
44. Who Are You - Keith Moon (The Who)
45. Karn Evil 9 - Carl Palmer (ELP)
46. The Grudge - Danny Carey (Tool)
47. In A Gadda Da Vida - Ron Bushy (Iron Butterfly)
48. People=Shit - Joey Jordison (Slipknot)
49. Happy Jack - Keith Moon (The Who)
50. Symptom of the Universe - Bill Ward (Black Sabbath)
51. Vital Transformation - Billy Cobham (Mahavishnu Orchestra)
52. Rock And Roll - John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)
53. Fireball - Ian Paice (Deep Purple)
54. Painkiller - Scott Travis (Judas Priest)
55. Burn - Ian Paice (Deep Purple)
56. Sgt Baker - Tim Alexander (Primus)
57. Metropolis - Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater)
58. South Side of the Sky - Bill Bruford (Yes)
59. Message In A Bottle - Stewart Copeland (The Police)
60. 6:00 - Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater)
61. Soul Sacrifice - Mike Shrieve (Santana)
62. You Could Be Mine - Matt Sorum (Guns N' Roses)
63. Rain - Ringo Starr (The Beatles)
64. How Many More Times - John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)
65. Frizzle Fry - Tim Alexander (Primus)
66. Forty Six & Two - Danny Carey (Tool)
67. Supernaut - Bill Ward (Black Sabbath)
68. One Of These Days - Nick Mason (Pink Floyd)
69. Eleven - Tim Alexander (Primus)
70. The Ox - Keith Moon (The Who)
71. Silent Scream - Dave Lombardo (Slayer)
72. Lateralis - Danny Carey (Tool)
73. The Noonward Race - Billy Cobham (Mahavishnu Orchestra)
74. Elephant Talk - Bill Bruford (King Crimson)
75. Seven Days - Vinnie Colaiuta (Sting)
76. 2112 - Neil Peart (Rush)
77. Achilles Last Stand - John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)
78. Tom Sawyer - Neil Peart (Rush)
79. Apostrophe - Jim Gordon (Frank Zappa)
80. Spoonman - Matt Cameron (Soundgarden)
81. Angel Of Death - Dave Lombardo (Slayer)
82. Great King Rat - Roger Taylor (Queen)
83. White Room - Ginger Baker (Cream)
84. A Change Of Seasons - Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater)
85. The Noose - Josh Freese (A Perfect Circle)
86. When the Levee Breaks - John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)
87. Candy's Room - Max Weinberg (Springsteen)
88. Walking On The Moon -