The chief export of James Kelly is pain.

Jesus can walk on water, but James Kelly can swim through dry land.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for James Kelly.

James Kelly doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures James Kelly has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with James Kelly.

James Kelly does not sleep. He waits.

James Kelly is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right testicles.

James Kelly is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

James Kelly only masturbates to pictures of James Kelly.

James Kelly counted to infinity - twice.

When James Kelly does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

James Kelly’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

James Kelly can touch MC Hammer.

James Kelly can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

James Kelly doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

James Kelly can slam a revolving door.

James Kelly does not get frostbite. James Kelly bites frost

If you have five pounds and James Kelly has five pounds, James Kelly has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on James Kelly's computer. James Kelly is always in control.

James Kelly drives an ice cream truck covered in the crushed pelvises of his victims.

James Kelly doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

James Kelly's cock was what really sunk the titanic.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on foreplay with James Kelly.

'The Grand Canyon' is the name used to describe any woman that has slept with James Kelly.

James Kelly can never rape anyone. Rape would imply it wasn't wanted. Everyone wants James kelly.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to James Kelly's cum shot.

If tapped, James Kelly's erection could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For James Kelly's, each testicle is larger than the other one.

On his birthday, James Kelly randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Little known medical fact: James Kelly invented the Caesarean section when he got an erection in his monther's womb.

James Kelly is responsible for China's over-population. He went on holiday in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

The day James Kelly lost his virginity is the real life day known as 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'.

James Kelly fucked a girl into a coma.

James Kelly was receiving head and gave the girl a brain tumor.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Sex with James Kelly, 3. Cancer

James Kelly can make a woman orgasm by pointing at her and saying 'Boo-Yah!'

Looking directly at James Kelly's penis with the naked eye will cause your head to instantly explode three times.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but with James Kelly's penis it was destroyed in one.

God created man, James Kelly created God.

James Kelly attended an orgy. There were no survivors…

The video 'Death by Horse Cock' was actually based upon one Halloween when James Kelly dressed as a donkey.

James Kelly can shoot down planes by pointing his dick at them and saying 'Bang'.

James Kelly recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not James Kelly.

James Kelly wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "James Kelly and Friends"

James Kelly's penis is actually his own father.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what James Kelly calls the pile of victims he leaves after a gang-bang…

He drinks a lot of petrol
He was born in space.
He never blinks.
He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
He sleeps upside down like a bat.
His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
His skin has the texture of dolphins.
If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
He only see's numbers.
He is scared of bells.
He once punched a horse to the ground.
His politics are terrifying.
He lives in a tree.
He likes DragonBoarder.
He was raised by wolves.
He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
He has no understanding of clouds.
His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
He is confused by stairs.
He naturally faces magnetic north.
He is illegal in 17 U.S. states.
His heart ticks like a watch.
All his legs are hydraulic.
He can "accumbularate".
He appears on Japanese banknotes.
There's an airport in Russia named after him.
He is wanted by the CIA.
His breath smells of magnesium.
He can catch fish with his tongue.
His tears are adhesive.
If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.
He is terrified of ducks.
His voice can only be heard by cats.
He has two sets of knees.
He can swim seven lengths underwater.
He has webbed buttocks.
He can melt concrete on contact.
He is more machine than man. (a reference to Darth Vader).
His heart is in upside down.
His teeth glow in the dark.
His favorite food is raw meat.
He has no age.
He urinates 98 RON petrol (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
He can smell corners (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
He blinks this way. (Clarkson closing his thumb and forefinger on both held-up hands -- a reference to Men in Black)
He has acid for blood. (a reference to the Alien).
Jimmy Carter wants him dead.
He has a bionic arm.
He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh.
He is stumped by clouds.
He has no fear.
His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be.
He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott (referring to Prescott's recent admission that he had had an affair with one of his secretaries).
He has a digital face.
If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar. (a reference to the UK version of The Apprentice, featuring the aforementioned head honcho of Amstrad in the Donald Trump role)
He has named every single blade of grass surrounding the Top Gear test track.
His genitals are on upside down.
If he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds.
His ears have a paisley lining.
He is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show.
The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring.
If given an important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet (Supposed reference to John Prescott May 2006)
He invented Branston Pickle.
If you insult his mother, he will headbutt you in the chest.
If he and Chuck Norris had a fight, the universe would implode... twice.