Universal truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will
keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If
she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will
impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are
like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her
fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every
girl needs some improvement.


5. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she
is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other
girl's ass. Girls love competition.

6. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special
nicknames.

7. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

8. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick
the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

9. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her
self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
desires to be.

10. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and
say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that
speaks for her.


11. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it
(but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).

12. Titty twisters and plenty of them.


13. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that
material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that
she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can
ever get.