"The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
What turned out to be his parting shot to Roman Abramovich.

"Maybe the guy drank red wine or beer with breakfast instead of milk."
After a Sheffield United fan threw a bottle at Frank Lampard during Chelsea's 2-0 win at Bramall Lane.

"If you ask me if I jump with happiness when I know Mr Poll is our referee? No."
Not a fan of Graham Poll.

"Wenger has a real problem with us and I think he is what you call in England a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have this big telescope to look into the homes of other people and see what is happening. Wenger must be one of them - and it is a sickness."
Astonishing attack on Arsene Wenger.

"Three years without a Premiership title? I don't think I would still be in a job."
Putting the boot into Rafa Benitez.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.


I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!


I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.


I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.


I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"


I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.

This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question."

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.



'I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait'

'I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said Fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead'

'I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit'

'They said you can swear on XM radio. No shit, 'cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too'

'I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal. Hey, you're using that machine to its exact purpose!'

'I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Conve