All these talking machines are getting me down. My car tells me to put my seatbelt on, my fridge tells me to shut the door and my table lamp tells me to go out and kill people.

1.Whats your Name?
2. Are we close?
3. What do you think of me?
4. Do you hav a crush on me?
5. Would u shift me?
6. would u go out wit me?
7. Describe me in 3 words?
8. If u Had Me for 30 Mins wat would you do?
9. What was ur first impression of me?
10. Do u still think the same?
11. What reminds u of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do u know me?
14. What do u like best about me?
15. Ever wanted 2 tell me something u could'nt?
16. Could you ever love me?
17. Would you fuck me?
18. Give me a nickname and explain why?
19. R u gona put this on ur blog and c wat i say bout u?
20. Anything 2 say b4 u go?

Lesson #1: "All you need!"

The Net has stirred up much controversy because it apparently shows people how to make bombs. We've found it pretty hard to track down good, authoritative, quality information on the subject. But after doing much research in the local library, it is our great pleasure to bring you...

The E-jits Guide to Building an Atom Bomb!

And you don't need a PhD in nuclear physics. Our handy cut-out-and-keep 10-step definitive guide is specially tailored for complete dummies. So without further ado, let's clear the kitchen table and... build a thermonuclear device!

Step 1: Order about 50lb (110 kg) of weapons-grade plutonium from your local supplier (mind you, not your local nuclear power plant - the regulatory authorities might cop on if large quantities of plutonium go walkabout).

Step 2: Note that handling pure, refined plutonium, can be quite dangerous. So aways wash your hands afterwards with Fairy Liquid and warm water, and keep away from pets and children.

Step 3: Bang together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be fashioned into one, e.g. a briefcase or your child's metal lunchbox. But on no account use standard Alcan kitchen foil.

Step 4: Arrange the plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, using a bit of superglue to bind the plutonium dust together. Did we mention the gap yet? Sorry, make sure there's a gap of about 5 cm (2 inches) between the two spheres. It's critical.

Step 5: Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of gelignite from a reliable source.

Step 6: Pack the gelignite around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you can't find any gelignite (no, it's not the same as gelatine), feel free to use TNT packed in with some Plasticene or modelling clay. Coloured clay is acceptable, but let's not get too fancy out there shall we? Gelignite is much better than TNT, but it can make your kitchen sink a tad messier.

Step 7: Insert the structure from step 6 into the enclosure from step 3. Use a strong glue to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation due to vibration, slips etc.

Step 8: You're nearly there, so now it's time to boot up your Pentium PC. In Microsoft Word you should find the template for a Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. Print it out and send to various superpowers and large Third World nations.

Step 9: To detonate the device, obtain a radio-controlled servo mechanism, as found in the radio-controlled model airplanes and cars you get in Arnott's department store. With a modicum of effort, an ordinary sink plunger can be converted into a "remote plunger" that will strike a detonator cap to trigger a small explosion. These detonator caps aren't available in Tesco's (we've already tried) but you may come across them in the electrical supply section of your local hardware store. If you've a friend or relative living in the States, ask them to get you the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand (because they are no deposit / no return).

Step 10: And that's it! Now you're the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It's a great ice-breaker at dinner parties, and at a pinch you could always sell it to the FCA for national defence purposes.