Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.

The way I feel now I could convert gays!

Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?

Clit Power? Know whats that? I knew a father Clint Power

You know, I find it amazing how many people still think the petrol cap on a Ford Focus is offside rear.

I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one.

The temperature inside this apple turnover is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!

If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack. So, I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey the most humane way would be death by firing squad

Yeah... well... you could say... 'needles to say, I took drugs'

I've pierced my foot on a spiiiiike!

He thinks the carpet pissers did this?

He thinks the carpet pissers did this?

Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you're going to have to face the fact you're a goddamn moron.

This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit? Ulysses Everett McGill: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote. Pete: Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly. Ulysses Everett McGill: Well I'm voting for yours truly too.
[Everett and Pete look at Delmar for the deciding vote] Delmar O'Donnell: Okay... I'm with you fellas.

Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit? Ulysses Everett McGill: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote. Pete: Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly. Ulysses Everett McGill: Well I'm voting for yours truly too.
[Everett and Pete look at Delmar for the deciding vote] Delmar O'Donnell: Okay... I'm with you fellas.

Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit? Ulysses Everett McGill: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote. Pete: Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly. Ulysses Everett McGill: Well I'm voting for yours truly too.
[Everett and Pete look at Delmar for the deciding vote] Delmar O'Donnell: Okay... I'm with you fellas.

Hey, Buster hit her. I just gave her the roofie

Illusion Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money... or candy?

I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper

I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it

They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.

I can read women. And you’ve got to know their wants and their needs, and that can be anything from making sure she’s got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she’s gratified sexually after intercourse.

Gareth: In this room I have special.... Tim:....needs? Gareth: No, in this room I'm a special.... Tim:...needs child?

I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain. Do you know which 'philosopher' said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

People look at me, they say he’s tough, he was in the army he’s gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn’t Schindler’s list a brilliant film?