BLOW JOBS!!!!
WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT


1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to r ule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care ab out
the protein cont ent.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.


15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."


WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT





1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject.
You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center
of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle
of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

Stage #5 -- Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness.
At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.

Vodka scooter
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a 'Vodka Scooter.' The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, poorly toes and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out, 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.
Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the young ladies, Vodka Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your downstairs neighbours.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 stolen Marlboro Lights in a single night, regardless of whether or not said person is a regular smoker or not.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit.

Vodka scooters, wonders of modern technology...have you ever been on one??!!