1. Cats have nine lives. This makes them ideal for experimentation.

2. I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

3. Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes.

4. When someone close to you dies, move seats.

5. I was born in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now.

6. I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem.

7. Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

8. Better warn you that in my act there is a certain amount of bad language. And I'm not talking split infinitives, there will be some swearing and there is material of a sexual nature. So if you are easily offended, don't be a cunt about it.

9.I went up to the airport information desk. I said how many airports are there in the world?

10. When people say they hear voices in their heads, as opposed to where, exactly? Now hearing voices in your legs, that's crazy

11. My girlfriends reading a book called "Women who love too much" which I think should have the title shortened, to "Sluts".

12. I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

13. Someone once came up to me and asked "If you could sleep with anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And I said "Anyone living."

14. A girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think your fatist." I said "I think you'll find you're fattest."

15. I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

16. If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

17. There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

18. I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

19. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, Fatty."

20. Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies,only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

21. My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information, how does that help me?

22. A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

23. My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.