hmm, found a better use for my blog now.. to tell jokes... please beware that some jokes my be found offensive to the other gender and race. also please comment and post your own jokes

1: A women walks into a bar, orders a bottle of crystal champagne. she then lifs her skirt, and takes down her thong and pours champagne all over her pussy. the bar man asks "why did u do that?" she replies, Ive just won the lottery and thats the only cunt im shareing it with.

2: Paddy walks past a pub & sees a sign in the window, pies 50p, wanks 10p. He could'nt belive his luck. he goes in and sees a stunning blonde bairmaid and asks her "are you the one that gives the wanks?" "yes" she replies. "well" he says, "wash your fucking hands i want a pie"

3: Paddy walks into a pet shop and sees a advertisement " talking centipied £5000" So Paddy buys it and takes it home in a shoebox. 15 minutes later Paddy opens the shoebox and says, u want to go pub pal? ...No reply. He asks again, you want to go to the pub??.. he gets no reply. Paddy is now thinking he has been ripped off, so he asks one more time to make sure, Oi Do you want to go to the pub or not?. The Centipied replies " I heard you the first time i was putting my fucking shoes on."

4: An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

5: Theres two nuns driveing down the road, and suddenly a crazy naked pedophile jumps on the bonet of the car, one of the nun says "show them your Cross sister" to which the other one replies "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR U PRICK"

6:An Irish irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The irish priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The irish priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the irish priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

7:A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

8:A man with a dog walked into a pub. The landlord said, "Sorry Sir, no dogs." Bluffing outrageously, the man said "I'm blind,.. its my Guide Dog". The landlord looks doubtful and said, "But its a Yorkshire Terrier." The dog owner put on a look of astonishment and said "What? But they told me it was a very small labrador!"

9:Question: Does an elephant ever forget?
Answer: Only if you've lent him some money.

10:A cheeseburger walked into a pub and asked for three pints of Guiness, two halves of stout, and a double brandy. "Out!", yelled the barman,