Rachel: Jesus it’s been so long since it’s been cold enough to see my breath that I just spent the last 5 minutes thinking I had inhaled second hand smoke and was exhaling it. It was literally the only logical explanation I could come up with. See what uni is doing to me?!
(Pause)
And I just saw two hot guys walking unicycles up a hill. I have never been more aroused in my life.
(Pause)
I think it was partially because Devo- Whip It was playing. AND FUCK YOU! I don’t care if you aren’t texting back. I can upload this convo myself.
(Pause)
I’ll have you know that my middle name would have been “Monologue” had my mother known that I would have this conversation before she named me Rachel Amelda.

Mike: Haha. I was on stage you bleeding nut! It was amusing though.

Rachel: On stage? More like on top of a dead prostitute before you realized you’ve killed her… my god I am so sorry. I have no idea where that came from.

Mike: Yes. You know me too well. The lady I’m onstage with can’t seem to handle the fact that my name isn’t Daniel. I’ve given up correcting her.

Rachel: Correct her but give her a different name everytime.

Mike: “No, no. My name is Algnernon.”
”You’ve got it wrong again. My name is Lionel.”

Rachel: “Daniel-”
“It’s Chris.”
”Sorry?”
“Nathan”
”What?”
”Fred.”

Mike: “How many times must I say that my name is Eustace?”

Rachel: Over time increase the speed of which you correct her so you can fire out three or four names in a single correction.

Mike: CRAIG-ADAM-SYLVESTER!

Rachel: God that’d be so funny to watch. You must do this!

Mike: “Hello my name is DOUGLAS-ARNOLD-RUPERT but it’s pronounced similar to PERCY-HARRY-MAUDE.”

Rachel: Hahahahaha. So what’s the show?

Mike: God knows. Haha it’s called Bazarre & Rummage. It’s okay. I’m actually meant to be doing backstage work but I was filling in as a middle-aged Scotswoman.

Rachel: Talk about type-casting.

Mike: That’s what I said! I’m always playing middle-aged, agrophobic, clean freak Scotswomen with suicidal husbands!

Rachel: You need to branch out. Next time I want you to ask for the part of ‘Tree Four’

Mike: Oh Jesus. I don’t think I can handle that level of hardcore acting! Maybe I should just leave it.

Rachel: Trees don’t talk… bitch.

Mike: Oh sorry… I mean… bollocks… oh shit! Um… swoosh! Sway! Rustle rustle rustle!

Rachel: That’s more like it! Lets lose some of that foliage. I wanna see some more bark. Mmm *Licks Lips*

Mike: Okay. Sure. Hey, I was thinking that tree four should have an emotional monologue about her agrophobia and her suicidal husband… I could do it in a Scottish accent if you like.

Rachel: That’s a brilliant idea! Run with it! Go with it!

Mike: I was also thinking that my character wouldn’t quite be a tree… it doesn’t feel right. How about a middle-aged clean freak?

Rachel: That’s a bit extreme. Who could suspend their disbelief enough to believe a Scottish housewife could be a human and not a tree? It’s a long shot, but I’ll allow it.

Mike: Okay. Good. Also I was thinking that my character is an Indiana Jones type character… but a Scottish housewife version obviously.

Rachel: So you have a minority side kick and a desire to search inside cursed temples?

Mike: Yeah! I think we’re on the same page here.

Rachel: You know, this might just be a success after all!

Mike: Exactly! Who ever knew that Hamlet was such a great play?

Rachel: Well… Shakespeare for one.

Mike: Oh yeah… Shakespeare… wasn’t he the guy who did the voice of Casper?

Rachel: Nah, he’s that neighbour who I’m sure is gay.

Mike: Oh… I thought his name was Mozart.

Rachel: Hm… maybe it is… hang on, wasn’t Shakespeare that guy from Full House?

Mike: Oh yeah! Dated Christina Ricci right?

Rachel: Yeah! Then had a breakdown, shaved his hea

Rachel:
Oh my dearest Mike,
you're the hip to my hop
The beat to my box
and the feet to my socks.

You complete me in ways
that only 'Silk' could express
without being accused of promoting rape
and being put under arrest

And fuck you, I know
that the earlier verse
had too many syllables
and made it sound worse

Who are you to judge me
On the shit that I rap
I'm the poet, the underdog
and you're just a corporate fat cat

But never mind that
Let's get back to it
I was busy praising you
but now let's cover some new shit

Actually no,
it's half past midnight
and I'm like cinderella
except without the magical bullshite

I'll continue this rap
after some sleep
So I am refreshed and
ready to lay some dope beat.


Mike:
I’m gonna take my time
To compose this rhyme
About my homie G with
Breasts like mountains to climb.

Yo! I’m layin’ down the law!
I’ll lay you on the floor!
I mean that in a nice way
Full of love and awe

You’re the sickest bitch
I ever met
And you touch me in ways
I won’t let you forget!

I remember when we
Were not yet thirty-three
And we were in the carpark so
That Miss Thorley could see!

I think I’ve gone off track
Bitch you drive me whack!
Do you have some crack?
I only said that last line
’Cause it rhymed with Whack!

There was also that time
When we tried datin’
But all them other niggas
Were just player hatin’

This rap lacks rhythm,
Tempo and pace
I’m gonna be dominant and
Put you in your place!

You’re a bitchy, hoe, skank
With breath to match
I’m sorry I didn’t mean it
You’re really quite a catch.

I think I’m done.
I can’t think of no more
I hope that you know
Quoth the raven “Nevermore”


Rachel:
I love the mix of love and abuse
and gratuitous use
of verbal refuse.

Mike:
Why thank you my love.
I'm glad you approve
Oh wow! Gee! My bowels just moved.

Rachel:
Independance and organs,
they just don't fly
Punish them up by only using one ply.

Mike:
Ply as in wood?
I say! That idea is good!
Avoid the splinters? I think I should.

Rachel:
How do you expect
Your bowels to learn
If you don't harden up
And make that shit burn

Mike:
Burn like your mums
Nether-regions do?
I hear tht she has AIDS
Chlamydia too.

Rachel:
Yes you got it,
That shit's true.
But I heard your dad's balls were turning blue.

Mike:
Well you're welcome to lend a hand.
I think that's mainly due to the rubber band.

Rachel:
You know, that's kind of sexy
It really rings my bell
Could you do me a favour and give me your dad's cell?


Mike:
HAHA l0l that's some funny shit!
but we all know you've already tapped it.

Rachel:
Okay, you've caught me out
But I'm not ashamed
I won't stop spying and sneaking
Until your father has been tamed

Mike:
Okay, stop what an awful sight
That entered my mind it's very fright-
Ening bro. Not a pretty pic
Have you seen this latest Nic Cage flick?

Rachel:
Are you mad? are you missing a screw?
What kind of drivel do you think I could sit through?
I'm I resiliant gal, and you know it's the truth
But Nicholas Cage is a world class douche.

Mike:
You strange wee girl
With your hair unkempt
Have my my day.
How about we attempt
An assassination of
The first degree
We could poison him
Dressed as a maitre'd


Rachel:
I'm awfully sorry to have to put you on hold
But I have to disappear for reasons untold
I know its hard and you're sure to miss me
But for now all I can say is B R B

Mike:
I’m sorry hoe
But I’ve got to go
We’ll continue this another day
Fo’ Sho’

Rachel: I don't think I've ever heard you sing.

Mike: Really? It sounds like a semi-frozen cat being skinned. While someone is rubbing lemon juice into it's eyes and while someone is screwing the cats children.

Rachel: Sounds like my average saturday night!
...
*looks around*
Oh, sorry, I thought we were performing infront of a live audience.

Mike: We were. But we don't have the mercenaries guarding the doors tonight so the audience left at half-time.

Rachel: God damn it, Mike. Is this the finance team's doing?

Mike: Probably. They've always been jealous of our mixture of comic genius and hired goons.

Rachel: I hate how they always throw these budget cuts around at us. I've got half a mind to budget cut their throats.
Oh sorry, I meant 'actually cut their throats'.
The teleprompter is off.

Mike: The... teleprompter?
Oh no!
*Panics*
But but but... I've never been able to ad-lib! I'm terrible at improv!
What'll I do? What'll I do?

Rachel: Calm down Mike, there isn't an audience to impress and we can just dub over the bad takes... OH GOD WHO AM I KIDDING?! We're failures! We might as well kill ourselves in some kind of bizzare ritualized death ring.

Mike: *Slaps*
Stop talking nonsense!
If it was a ritualized death ring it'd take organisational skills!
We can't do that!
We're only actors for gods sake!
We can't do anything!

Rachel: Oh gods!
I have this box of rope, cyanide, razor blades and fast moving trains but I'm too useless to know what to do with them!

Mike: Um... um... um... WAIT!
What about out the window?
...yeah... that'll work...
THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW!

Rachel: YES!
It's got to work!
It's got to!!
*runs the nearest window and tosses*
Wait...
We are next door to an open air home for children with massive potential to cure diseases, save the world and be adorable don't we?

Mike: Um... Yes.
Oh god.
Now our status in the world has gone from "Semi-annoying vaudevillie acotrs" to "Most hated people on the earth"! It says so on this website!

Rachel: Oh god damn it! Read this twitter: 'I nvr relizd hw mch i h8 those 2 guys hu killed those kids until they killed thm'

Mike: Oh Jesus! Damn the internet! What'll we do?
Maybe there's something in these old abandoned scripts that can help us!
*Rushes to pile of discarded scripts*
*Opens one*
...
"Call me Ishmael"?
OH IT'S HOPELESS!

Rachel: YES!
That's it!
It's a sign from god!
He's telling us that if we kill a whale, all our problems will be solved!!

Mike: Oooooooooh. I get it!
THANK YOU LORD!
Quick! Quick! Where would one find a whale?
Think woman, THINK!

Rachel: What about the endagered animal sanctuary down town?
They have that Whale that is pregnant with two babie whales that are sure to help the incredibley low whale population!
We can kill her!

Mike: YES!
That will make everyone love us!
And it will make our public come back! AND the mercenaries!
Oh joy! Oh rapture! You're brilliant!

Rachel: Don't thank me.
Thank God for sending us this wonderful piece of enlightenment.
We should probably sacrifice someone to him, just to let him know how pleased we are.

Mike: Hm... how about...
OH!
I KNOW!
We could blow up a series of retirement homes! Just to be sure that the lord gets our message,

Rachel: Yes, yes!
Our ratings will be better than ever!

Mike: We might even be able to run for a joint presidency!

Rachel: *wipes tear from eye*
It's going to be beautiful

Mike: We'll be bigger then hula-hoops!

Rachel: Bigger than hula-hoops made for the obese!

Mike: Okay... so: Here's the plan.
We blow up a series of retirement homes, say a prayer then we kill Molly the pregnant whale.
This will bring us the adoration of millions and a sure-fire political carrer that will compliment our acting carrer nicely.
Anything I missed?

Rachel: Hmm.. No..
But I think we should tell people what we're going to do before we do it so they are ready to twitter all their f