On Monday morning I got up at 8am. For my breakfast I had 500 boiled eggs and a cup of tea. For lunch I had an old car tyre and a bucket of frogs and a carton of Ribena. For dinner I had a jar of anti-ageing cream and two metres of electric flex.

On Tuesday I got up at 8am. For my breakfast I had a plastic ruler and next door's dog. For lunch I had 53 pints of Guinness and went home early and went to bed.

On Wednesday I got up at 3pm. For breakfast I had bacon and eggs, three cups of tea and some holiday brochures. I didn't have any lunch because it was too late. For dinner I ate my handbag and all of my mother's clothing.

On Thursday I got up at 8am. For breakfast I had a bottle of washing up liquid and a car stereo. For lunch I had the plumbing from an en suite bathroom and a cup of tea. For dinner I ate some important documents, a ski jacket, a staple gun, a pair of shoes, a packet of biscuits and some ice-cream.

On Friday I got up early because I had a doctor's appointment so I didn't have time for breakfast. For lunch I had a sandwich and a cup of tea. For dinner I ate all the plants in the garden and a concrete slab.

On Saturday I got up at 8am. For breakfast I had a bowl of museli, but I puked it up on my trousers. For lunch I ate the trousers that I puked on and then I went to the hairdressers and got shaved bald and I ate all my hair on my way back to school. For dinner I ate an electric drill and some coleslaw.

On Sunday I got up at 9am and went to church without having any breakfast. For lunch I ate a large gravestone and some grass. In the evening I went out for dinner with my boyfriend and I had scampi and he had lasagne