"Pluck" The DUCK



A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on ! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please ?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way ?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you ? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything !"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it ?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus ?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus ?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent ?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans ?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle ?" persists the duck.

"That's right !" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer ??

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV &
Radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."