WAYS TO IMPRESS WOMEN!!

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelery is for pussys.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words fuck you, and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls act

sainsbury's flavoured condoms...making life taste better

tesco's condoms...every little helps

nike condoms...just do it

peugeot condoms...the ride of your life

New galaxy textured condoms...why have rubber whn you can have silk?

kfc condoms...they're finger licking good

malteser's condoms.... they melt in your mouth not in your hands

abbey national condoms...because life is complicated enough

coca cola condoms...the real thing

duracell condoms...you can just keep going and going

pringles condoms...once u pop u cant stop

burger king...home off the whopper

goodyear condoms....for a long ride go wide

muller light condoms...so much pleasure but wheres the pain?

flash condoms...just sit back relax and let Flash do all the hard work

halifords condoms...we go the extra mile

andrex condoms...soft strong and very long

renault condoms...size really does matter!

carlsberg condoms...probably the best condom in the world

pepperami condoms...its a bit of an animal

winders condoms....screaming 4 more,

pc world's condoms...we're with u every step of the way

halifax condoms...who gives you extra?

charmin condoms....break the habbit

telletubbie condoms.... again again!!!

cadburys condoms...give in2 your happiness

red bull condoms....gives u wings

cadburys creme egg flavoured condoms...how do u eat yours?

craig david flavoured condoms...wots ur flava?

heinz salad cream condoms...its all goin on!

sure crystal condoms....unbeatable against white marks

uci cinema condoms.....coming soon

lynx condoms...because you never know when

treseme condoms .....used by professionals

insette condoms....for that extra hold

gillete condoms....the best a man can get

churchill car insurance condoms....ooooo yeshhh!

kit kat condoms....have a break

macdonalds....la da da da dar im luvin it

Vanish Oxi-Action....trust pink forget stains

A little bit of Henry in our lives
A little bit of Freddy down the sides
A little bit of Toure is what we need
A little bit of Theo with his speed
A little bit of eboue in defence
A little bit of Fabregas he's immense
A little bit of Singing from the fans
A little bit of Arsene he's your man
A little bit of Rosicky he's pure class
A little bit of gallas he'll kick your ass
A little bit of Lehmann over here
A little bit of Baptista he's no queer!!!!
A little bit of Gilberto cant be beat
A little bit of persie with kwik feet
and then theres ARSENAL youd like 2 b