Lesson I
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
getsto the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure

lESSON II

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father,remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at
the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity

LESSION III

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas andthe love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

LESSON IV

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

LESSON V

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the
tree.

Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there

LESSON VI

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A pass

Corkonian can be a very confusing language. Things often mean the opposite of what is said.

Examples:

Visitor: "Do you plan to go to the cinema tonight?"

Local: "I will, yeah!"

*** saying I will yeah actually means - no

Visitor: "Wow it's warm and sunny outside today."

Local : "How Bad!"

**** How Bad actually means - thats great, wow!

Some of the most common expressions you will hear in Cork :

The word 'Like' is used often at the end of a sentence for no grammatical reason: "I went to the shop like."

The words 'Like eh' are often used in the beginning of a sentence : "Like eh...do you have a fag?"

Come er ta me - (Come Here To Me ) means - Excuse me?

Ya Wud Yeah - (You Would Yeah) means - You wouldn't dare!

The word "Bhoy" is often thrown into a sentence and does not always refer to a young man.