Waiter! Theres a fly in my soup
Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, I’ll replace this with a fresh bowl of soup and deduct it from your bills sorry for the inconvenience we have caused you.

What's the difference between a chicken and the Kyoto Protocol?
One is a domestic fowl; the other is an international convention on climate change

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?
The Holocaust

Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their predicament would be exploitative

Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"The police. I'm afraid there's been a serious road traffic accident; your partner is in intensive care."

Yo mama’s mama is yo grandma

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.

Johnny comes homes from school one day crying and says, “mom all the kids at school say im ugly.” His mother replies, “your not ugly your hideously deformed. The other kids are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings”

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One was the first man on the moon, the other's a child molestor.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other

What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
Get in the car.

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders off.

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped

Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.

Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your husband died in a car wreck.

Yes I am a sheep so I too am gonna put up quotes of good times!

Ali: i met that tree later that night
Eoin: did you pull down his trunks too?
*badum bum tshhhh*

Rachel: B1 is thiamine because mine is me and im one. B2 is riboflavin coz it just is. B3 is niacin coz niacin has three i"s. B6 is pyrodoxine coz theres an x in both and they both start with p. now you dont wanna open a can of niacin in the sun coz its not heat stable and you dont wanna go putting any alkalis in there either!!

Jerry: i"m so depressed! my phone AND my pc are broken!
Chris: I"m SO lucky, all i have is a broken collar bone!!!

Aine: Ah shaggit, where"s my bus???

Cher: wow this path is nice!

Ali: (to alex) ah what?? onion rings?? your breath will reeek!!
Alex: at least it will keep the midgies away!
Cher: what if midgies like onions?

Cher: You"d fit right in! their humour is sarcastic sarcasm
Alex: Yeah Right (sarcastically)

Mid Scrum!!
Rach: Are Canadians hairy?

Cher: Little tiny quiff

Alex places a chip to the side
Rach: whats wrong with your chip alex?
Alex: *shrug* i dno
Cher: Theres a pube on your chip alex!!
Alex: ah sure thats life

Caroline: JULIE!!!!!
Julie: HELEN!!!!

Cher: I christen you bloody head

Ali: orla...can you drive cher home??
Orla: NO!! she must walk on sticks!

Ali: Lets go have a ten second silence for john
Cher: tony...
Ali: yeh tony donelly
Cher: domoney
Ali: yeh tony d

Cher: the bungee cord can get wrapped around your neck and you can get hung
Ali: i dont want to be hanged!!
Cher: its ok youll have flat feet...

James: oh my god you just hit her in the face

Rach: yeh coz i have two feet

While on Crazy Chair Ride....
Alex: I HAVE A FLOPPY PENIS!!
Rach: im me and youre you
Cher: but im me and we"re we
Rach:but...wait...who the FUCK are they??????

Bumping into a dude on the street
Alex: hey man
*rugby tackled, huge fight, major wedgie!!*
Alex: talk to you later man

Cher: 100% cotton so your minnie can breathe!

Sinead: just coz i"m 18 i"m gonna go get fucked!! (while doing a wee dance)

Alan: chris said you wanted to see my penis. i tried to upload a picture but the computer said file too big
*badum bum tshhhh*

David: I pee in teh shower
Sinead: OH YEAH!! I"ve seen your thingy!

Aine: My dad used to have a cock!

Rachel: Have you ever peed on a cactus?

Rachel: what age will he be?
Ali: 24?
Rachel: wow hes after getting older than me!

Alex: You appear to have a violin stuck to your chin...

Chris: bye danielle! danielle? Byee.........yessss I"m in!

While squeezing through small gaps:
Rachel: HA! who"s fat now????

Cher: She was saying you fell going through the loop of doughcloyne (meant to be gap of dunloe...holy blonde moment)

Talking about the chins:
Caroline: (looking at the crowley chin) people pay to have that chin!!
Sinead: the michael jackson chin
Caroline: *snigger*
Sinead: i was talking about yours car...
Caroline: oh...

Dad: Oh thats a nice wall isnt it?

Aidan: Ha! he's in a wheelchair!

Michelle: Is it considered an affair if you sleep with an animal?
Chris: Well did they call you teh morning after?

Alex: you nobber!! give me your ass

Steven: I cant breathe through my nose...it just stopped working

Ali: Does he actually have a blanket?
Rach: Of course, he's in a wheelchair

Ali: 4 giant chicken dippers
Alex: 8 small dippers
Aidan: 16 mini dippers

Jerry: youre a mosher....a wannabe.....a washer!

Aoife: how come people in spain dont burn?
Rach: They have melanin
Aoife: but i eat melon all the time

Cher: she seems to have lost her top

Sinead: i can imagine your dog being Italian

Jerry: (talking to pigeon) tony come here tony

Sinead: (on the phone) hi cheryl...ha i fooled you, its still ringing

Peter: whos side would you be on, jesus or santa?
Cher: santa has done so much for us
Patrick: whos better? jesus or santa?
Sinead: well at least we have evidence that s

In recent weeks we have noticed a pattern of dead animals. It seems we have been plagued with gruesome deaths!!!!!! It's a curse...and not a very nice one!
In memory of our innocent furry friends....

Bob - the tiny and naive kitten from clon. bless his bulgy eye and bloody nose

Duncan - the bunny who thought he could swim. his rotting green body and rancid smell tell us otherwise.

John - the wee kitten who felt the pain of a car and then the shoe of jerry. bless his flattened soul.

Sue - the bunny whos brain was tested when faced with a car. his inards and brains live on on the airport road

Bobo - the foolish bird who hit the window. may he rest in peace in teh back yard...hiding from the dreaded cat monster.

Gloria - the most devastating of teh deaths to date. flattened by numerous buses at teh busstop. all that remains is a splatter and a ribcage. we dont even know what animal our flattened furry buddy was.

Blake - the first victim to rachs crazy driving. yes...rach ran over a bunny!

Florrie - the little fox who didnt know teh danger of teh road

Lucy - little lucy luch died from a broken hymen bless her soul...also there was a small but lethal laseration to her chest

Polly - the poor pigeon got into teh hands of the maniac mechanics!! poor poor polly!

SOOTY!! - LEGEND OF ALL LEGENDS!!! LOVE YOU SOOTS!!! RIP MWAH

SNELLSON - this happy go lucky little invertebrate lived a short and simple- and i like to think fulfilling life. . .until one day he met a plucky young panda girl.who was naive enough to think she could keep this peaceful but yet unfortunate mollusc out of harms way. . . after a series of horrific bee attacks alas fate intervened when the distracted girl forgot her beloved snail friend existed for just a sec and trampled him with the back of a giant (and perfectly varnished) bench. . . .may the flying spaghetti monster who watches over us all. . . bless him and keep him. . .there there snellson, not even salt can get you now big guy!