Apologies in advance to the Dubs among us...

1 Aslan

2 Heroin (See 1)

3 Stealin'

4 Joy-ridin'

5 Saying 'Yaknowwhorrameyan?"

6 Shamrock Rovers

7 Social welfare

8 Keyin' Cars

9 Pop Idol

10 Wearing belly tops over their pale, flabby stomachs

11 Calling people 'Bud' who are not their bud

12 Compo

13 Calling people 'Pal' who are not their pal

14 Shortening words and adding the letter 'o' (Anto, Decco,Corpo)

15 Calling people 'Boss' who are not their boss

16 John Player Blue

17 Burberry

18 Burglary

19 Fair City

20 Celtic shirts

21 'Taches

22 Fireworks every night for the entire month preceeding Halloween

23 Sky Digital

24 Saying "I didn't ble_din' do tha'!"

25 Travelling in packs

26 Moochin'

27 Swearing at their babies

28 Getting their mot's preggers

29 Champion Sports

30 Christmas Lights you could see from space

31 Skippin' school

32 Skippin' bail

33 Giving their kids Monster Munch and Maltesers for breakfast on the bus

34 Standing in queues outside the dole office

35 Funtasia

36 Iceland - the food chain, not the country

37 Man U

38 Saying, "That's not my ble-din' job!"

39 Pushing prams while smoking

40 Earrings (for guys)

41 Earrings a chimpanzee could swing off (for girls)

42 Saying "He didn't do nothin'!" when he clearly did do something

43 Baseball caps

44 Sawn-off Shotguns

45 Adrian Kennedy Phone Show

46 Picking up unfinished cigarettes dropped on the street bysomeone else just after coming out of a medical centre (as God is my witness)

47 Shop-liftin'

48 Tamangos

49 Not payin' the bus fare

50 Curry Chips and a burger

51 Leaving their kids play outside on a busy road while they get hammered on a Sunday afternoon

52 Always following the word 'rich' with the word 'w@n-ker'

53 Pulling their hoodies over their heads as they're led away from the Four Courts

54 Eschewing peaceful solutions to conflict when Violent Senseless Mayhem will suffice

55 P-ing in Elevators

56 Being an authority on everything

57 Knee-cappings

58 Racism

59 Smiley Bolger

60 Getting their hair cut so tight they look like a matchstick with ears from the back

61 Not readin' bukes

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME______________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
_________________(if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)

SCHOOL____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME _________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother’s Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME______________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
_________________(if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)

SCHOOL____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start