- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

- Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.

- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

- Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.

- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

- The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.

- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer

- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Stewie (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend):
Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Brian: You're drunk.
Stewie: You're sexy.

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Stewie: Oh hey lady. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah

Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Stewie (reading the Bible)" My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN 2006 WHEN...............

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every advert on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to email this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no. 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a 9 on this list.

And now you are laughing at yourself !!