"I don't think aliens or ghosts like black people. We never get abducted; our houses never get haunted. It always happens in rural areas, where no ethnic people live. The day I see somebody from South Central Los Angeles say, 'Man, I got abducted yesterday,' then I'll believe it." – Xzibit

I leave [as inheritance] these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and… hey! Where are you going?
... Anyway, about my washtub. I’d just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as... a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball"...

You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot.

I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!

What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem.

Not many people know this, but I own the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. 'A' he'd say. Then 'B'. 'C' would usually follow...

We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

My story begins in Nineteen dickety two. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word for "twenty." I chased him down the road but gave up after dickety-six miles...