Acceptable in the following cases:

-Fake, to portray the "sensitive guy"
-Under the age of 5
-Sodomized (unwillingly)
-Loss of limb(s)
-Eating hottest chili known to man (involuntary, can't be helped)
-Death of relative (first cousin or closer)
-Post-victory at major sporting event
-->After long illustrious career without win
-->After team's drought > 50 years
-Post-defeat at major sporting event
-->After long illustrious career without win
-->Due to flukey play
-Crotch shot
-Out of happiness, when one of Scarlett Johansson/Jessica Alba/Jessica Biel/Emma Watson etc. is lying on your bed naked when you come home from work

Following instances are thought to be acceptable by emo wussies, but really aren't:

-When your girlfriend of < 2 years breaks up with you
-When you hear a poem
-Watching a chick flick
-Writing poems
-Listening to sad songs
-During arguments
-Something getting in your eye (NOTE: "Getting something in your eye isn't really crying, just them getting watery from poking at it and stuff."

Right, because that'll be one eye. That doesn't count as crying. However, if tears start coming out of the other eye, there's no good reason for that, and is therefore unacceptable.)

This is the law.

Note: A sense of humour is required

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED HOMOSAPIAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

Pity us men... ):

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're ***

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.