Janitor: Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings-club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
Everyone: *Unison approval*
Janitor: Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!

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J.D.: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think I saw a manatee.
Janitor: Was his name Julien?
J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
Janitor: That's Julien.

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[After J.D. is assigned to introduce Dr. Kelso at an awarding ceremony]
Dr. Cox: You are officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Cox: You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible, mm'kay?

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Dr. Kelso: You youngsters. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.
Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.

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J.D.: Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?
Laverne: A concussion.