"... and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, i'll
tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last
week, and I
was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a
newsstand
and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?'
To which, the
Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you
want the
North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'... he had
both...so I bought
both. And Dooher is back on his feet..."

"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person
to let you down - his people are undertakers"

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this
morning and the omens
seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same
colours as
the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the
field Ciaran
Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion."

"Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over
the bar.
This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost
Lazarus-like
recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he
couldn't
kick points like Colin Corkery.

"1-5 to 0-8.. well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level
scores
in any man's language".

"Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now ... but
here comes Joe
Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte
chasing a
Fox around Croke Park!"

"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline.
Tipperary,
sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I
wonder
will they meet later for afternoon tae."

"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"

"Danny "The Yank" Culloty. He came down from the mountains and
hasn't he
done well"

"He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50......he's on the
40......he's on the
30..........................he's on the ground"

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half

they played with the ball".

"He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've
been a
point.............it went wide."

"Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of
12......all
but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's
at home
minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na
bpairce...."

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog
from
his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog
ran a great
race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it
goes to
the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well"
"Sean Og o Hailp?n.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's

from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold"

"Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy
back
to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation"

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

EXTRACTS FROM ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO VARIOUS COUNCILS AND HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS THROUGHOUT THE UK

“I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”

“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”

“And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”

“I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.”

“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.”

“Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.”

“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.”

“The toilet is blocked an we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”

“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

“I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.”

“The man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.”

“I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”

“Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”

“I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”

“My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.”

“He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.”

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.” (Sharon Stone).

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” (Courtney Cox-Arquette).

“I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more interested by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” (Jerry Garcia).

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” (Barbara Bush).

“Ah, yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” (Robin Williams).

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” (Billy Crystal).

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” (Rod Stewart).

“On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” (Bruce Willis - on the difference between men and women).

“And God said, ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” (George Burns).

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” (Henry Kissinger).

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” (Steve Jobs - founder of Apple Computers).

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’ (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’” (Patricia Arquette)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White Shark or a p