Who's a bit of a Moaning Michael tonight then?

Where's Tony off to? Probably away to get some heroin!

Some of us overdid it down the local last night! Janine Reilly knows who I'm talking about! And she wasn't the only one. Some of us crawled in at 10 past 11! Tony Lynch!!

Will you sing one Ted? Ah you will! You have a lovely voice! Very like Celine Dion!

Ya'd have to be up very early in the morning to catch me Father and I am a very careful man, a very careful man

Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?

The way I feel now I could convert gays!

Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

Father Jack had a name for them...what was it?.... A Shower of bastards!!!!!!

So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.

Lets lick some arse....I mean lets kick some arse

Oh, worse than Hitler! You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning.

I want to listen to some music. (Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.) I wasn't asking for permission.

Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?

How did that gobshite get on the television?

I knew a woman once, she died soon after....

DOUGAL: Hello there Len. BISHOP B: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! DOUGAL: Right you are Len!

Crilly, if you ever try to bullshit me like that again..... I'll rip out your arms

Would ya believe me own dog did that ta me!

(Mary) I'll Stick this Pitchfork up Your Hole!

(Mary) You've a face like a pair of tits! (John) At least that's one between us!

Do you believe in God then Ted?

Do you believe in God then Ted?

How's your Bra????

We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. How'd he manage to survive that?

(reading newspaper) Ted! Ted! You're not going to believe this! Clint Eastwood has been convicted for a crime he didn't commit- oh wait, it's a film.

Yes Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit!

There's lots of ways to praise God isn't there Ted. Like that time you told me to praise Him, you know, by leaving the room.

Chair! Curtains! Floor! Gobshite!

Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!

[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.

Hairy Japanese bastards!

Who are you? Where am I? What's that thing there? Are those my feet??

(judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!

That would be an ecuminical matter!

I love my brick!

There were over 400 cases of forced transvestitism involving Mr Sweeney last year

Oh, you're a fine young fella! How old would you say I am?? Go on, guess!! [Dougal-40?] ..............................So! Ted! Haven't seen you in ages!

(Mary) I'll Stick this Pitchfork up Your Hole!

I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

I don't believe in organized religion