Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry

The rules of manhood by Ian "Horse" Horsfield


(1) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

(2) It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss' car.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth

(3) Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

(4) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

(5) If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

(6) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

(7) No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

( On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

(9) When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

(10) You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

(11) It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

(12) Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

(13) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

(14) If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

(15) Women who claim they "love to watch sport" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sport watchers.

(16) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

(17) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.... that's just mean.

(1 If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

(19) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours... except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

(20) Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a)Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

(21) Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both queuing, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

(22) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

(23) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

(24) It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

(25) Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

(26) The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation, end of story.