A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.


Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.


When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.


Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.


Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.


When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.


A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.


No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.


A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.


During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.


No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".


All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.


A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.


No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.


Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.


No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.


Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.


A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.


Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.


No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.


Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.


Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.


A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".


Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".


Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.


Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.


No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.


When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.


No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.


No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.


If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate

Everything depends on this: it is the only question.So as not to be conquered by the conquered territory in which you lead your life, so as not to feel the horrible weight of inertia wrecking your will and bending you to the ground, so as not to spend a single night more wondering what there is to do or how to connect with your neighbours and countrymen, you must make secret plans without respite. Plan for adventure, plan for pleasure, plan for pandemonium, as you wish; but plan, lay plans constantly.

And when you come to, on the steps of the presidential palace, in the green grass beside the highway, in your cells gloomy solitude, your secret plan finished or foiled, ask your comrades, ask your cellmates, ask the wind, the waves the stars, the sea, ask everything that ponders, everything that wanders, everything that sings, everything that stings - ask them what time it is; and your comrades, your cellmates, the wind, the waves, the stars, the sea all will answer: "It is time for a new secret plan.So as not to be a martyred slave of routine, plan adventure, plan pleasure, plan pandemonium, as you wish; but plan, plan secretly and without respite." - WWW.CRIMETHINC.COM