This is a more positive blog than the last one haha.

Everything is getting back to how it should be,I'm at long last at peace with everything negative that has happened.I can see the silver lining haha.

Solo album recording is going as planned and my bands are going great.

I also have at least another 2 solo albums planned,not including This Dark Destiny,which I will be doing something with sometime soon.That project is going to be completely covered in the darkest parts of my soul.Hopefully that album will cause people to instantly weep hahaha,in all seriousness though it will be very dark.

Samuel

Over the last few weeks I have had many things going through my mind.Unfortunately the main thing that won't seem to leave my mind is something that I have no control over and it feels like it's going to always haunt me.

Some might be wondering what this 'thing' is,well those who are closer to me may have a general idea.Basically the events which occured at the end of last year keep repeating in my head....When I was betrayed by a close friend among other instances.

To put it simply,I believe our friendship could have survived the ordeal but somehow it did not.When it came to our final conversation they laid the entire blame upon me.While I believe that I could have definitely handled things better,I don't believe the whole thing was my fault because they chose to set everything in motion.During this final conversation I apologized for all my wrong doings and hoped that we could start fresh,but they had become blinded by arrogance and decided to be spiteful and not accept my apology.

Of course after this conversation I was left feeling both anger and sadness.I couldn't believe what had happened and I was damn right pissed off about it all,yet at the same time I couldn't help but feel loss,the loss of a friend,one who i trusted big time.

What made things worse was some of my other friends decided that I wasn't allowed to run through the cycle one goes through after such an ordeal,I was spoken to about my anger problems and that I wasn't listening to anyone.This enraged me because when other people were angry about these sort of things,I let them be and allowed them to get it out of their system.It just shocked me that I wasn't even allowed such a thing.

So after that I decided to leave people alone since I was left feeling like a monster.I went into a self-imposed exile to which I still remain in today (though at a smaller level).During this exile I literally went nuts,every day and night feeling anger,which would then turn into depression.I remained with only minimal contact to damn near everyone.

Eventually I decided to channel everything into something productive,so I made the choice to write a solo album."A way of finally letting go of the last 3 years of shit" I said to one of the few whom stayed loyal to me during all this.

Over the Christmas holidays I of course had to put the happy face on for everyone I was around (even friends),whenever I was granted solitude I wrote.Eventually this turned into 10 songs worth of music,then finally after a long long time,the words arrived.These lyrics happen to be ones I'm very proud of,they allowed me to finally come to terms with what had happened over the last 3 years with emphasis on the 3 or so months leading up to Christmas.

Now moving forward in time a bit,we get to the last few weeks,where I've been readily in wait for my computer to be fixed in order to record my solo album at last.I thought writing this solo album would bring me peace of mind with all of this pain.But alas it has yet to do so.It's gotten to the point where the mere mention of my ex-friend's name or any reference to them brings me uncontrollable pain inside.Which then made me begin to wonder:
Were they right all along?
Was I the monster people said I was?
Was I to blame for everything that caused the friendship to die?

These questions still lay unanswered.

Of course it doesn't help when other close friends of mine who were directly involved in the whole drama as well,never even backed me up.I still have yet to confront them about it to this day,and I'm not likely to do so because I guess I'm afraid of losing more close friends.

There I hope you enjoyed my huge blog
If you didn't.......oh well

Samuel

My life was but a dark winter
My heart and soul frozen in ice
With no hope of living again
Or loving again
Yet upon the end of July
You came into my life
Bringing the embrace of spring
That had yet to turn to summer

Though deep blue waters
And tall ice-capped mountains
Kept me from holding you close
My heart belonged only to you
And I had known true happiness

Though painful it was
That I could not kiss you goodnight
Or walk with you on a midwinters eve
No words can express the pain
The pain I feel now that I've lost you
Forevermore my soul shall weep
And my heart shall forever be broken

The thing that kills me most
Is not that we are worlds apart
And not that we did not last until the end
The thing that kills me most
Is that I am the sole reason
The reason that our love diminished

I am hollowed within
For the warmth you brought me
Has now evaporated
As with the light upon my world
Now all I can see is shadow
For the cold I put myself in
Has now consumed all I had
And I am left with only darkness