The story of Gavin "The Gift" Tullis has been one that all the big names have been trying to get there greasy little mitts on for a number of years. Today we tell the tale of the man, the myth and the pansy................

It was a crowded and emotional family event in the autumn of 1983 when Gavin George Tullis entered God's Green Earth as a healthy and happy bouncing baby boy. The early years were all filled with much hope for the sprikely young pup as he was not only a budding footballer with teams from celtic, rangers to bayview bar juniors looking at the guy, he also began his love affair with the ladies(or garlic naan as he affectionately refers to them as).

However, as i didnt really know his early days we'll skip a few years to January 2006. This is when The group now known only as "The Kezmans" was truly born. It was a chance meeting between work colleagues Ian James Hay and Stephen Alexander Turnbull which had enticed Gavin to give up his hole and join them in an indepth conversation about the pending mexico trip - they never looked back(Much!).

Moving onto the sandy and fun-filled beaches of Cancun and The three were rarely seen without a corona in one hand and a camera in the other. This was seen by Gavin as the perfect opportunity to top up the now legendary "permatan".Unfortunately(or maybe fortunately) all pictorial evidence of the afore mentioned trip has never been brought to light(Good idea not to put flash on turnbull!). The kezmans were growing and after a few classic and too hot for print incidences occured they returned to there normal(ish) lives within the scenic coastal areas within Levenmouth.

It was from this point that the Horn and Gift combination truly kicked off and this has led to countless scrapes with randoms(including undercover cops) and a large array of evenings where neither of the bubbly pair have any recollection of the previous evening. This has became more widely known as "Kezmaned" and "Naptime" by members of there adoring public.

Many years passed until a 6 week excursion to Egypt saw The Horn and Gift partnership team up again along with the fifth Kezman a nice, formely polite individual by the good christian name Jordan Simpson. These trifecta enjoyed countless drinking sessions within the badawia himself with Gavin himself polishing off over 200 bottles of Egyptian wine during the trip(That my friend would indeed be "Naptime"). The pictorial evidence can be found on both KingKezman and Gavintullis18 bebo pages and again cemented Gavin's absolute arrogance with quite disgraceful comments like "I cant believe how good i look" and "well u cant blame them look at me" when he viewed his own reflection peering back at him from room 210's glistening mirror. This was also the first time Gavin met Ahmed and this was a truly life altering experience also. The guy which threatens to bash Jordan Simpson and embarasses Ian Hay was always going to find solace in Gavin Tullis's Arms.

Away from individual events and in a well timed conclusion - i would like to say that Mr Tullis is a complete and utter prick(Self quotation i may add). Simple words these may be but never a truer word spoken i'm sure you will concur.

Copyright 2009.IH.

Well it all began when we reached Sharm el sheikh airport on January 30th

Me: No i aint letting you put that on the roof i'll have it on my lap - thats going to fall off.

Taxi Driver: No, No, No!!! (waves rope and smiles bearing two whole teeth) I have a rope!!!!

Me: Oh, you've got a rope!!

Gav: Safe as fucking houses mate!!

Then our first meeting with Achmed

Achmed: You are soaking boy - go to your room and get changed!!

Me: Na am going to the disco mate.

Achmed: Hahaha well the discos through there.

This lead to a 6 week long friendship with achmed. One day though achmed was to give me a row for throwing ice cubes at Jojos head while he was in the pool.

Achmed: NO RENO NO!!!!!!

This was not the only skirmish of the 6 weeks however one day Jojo was so annoyed with Gavin over a penis size/functionality comment that he threw his entire ROLL at him. I think he took it too far but maybe thats just me.

No doubt my proudest achievement of the 6 weeks was making Big Jock an international superstar - it was always going to happen eventually im just glad to have been involved!!

The Staff were the absolute best thing about this holiday - There was Sayeed the most chancing arab bastard you'll ever meet in your life, Achmed the walking hard on and the man who invented Hot Potato!! Then there was Larry Zbysko - At the disco!! What a beautiful and happy man he was. Also pumping the beats and rocking the streets was the one and only DJ Wreck. Then there were our waiters Omar Shareef wo brought us ketchup everyday to drown away the taste of the food and Winker Watson who well.......winked a lot!! Last but not least i have to mention the nice people down at the bar. There was Kareem Abdul Jabar who insisted you had vodka whether u asked for coke, tea, orange, milk woteva!! Then there was Ameer Khan who came to life whenever he was within 20 metres of a camera and this boy had the greatest swagger in history from a prick who earns 25 pounds a month!!

And now for the non staffage!! Well there was mark a 20 year old alcoholic who came for a bev with me and gavin one night, then there was the volunteer group of Val, Gio and the main man himself Pedro. The cunt never shut up about the work he does in Ukraine with god knows who and how he has given his life to god. God please take him cos i dont wanna see him again!! Then there was Liam and Lois who were both great banter. Some of the best laughs of the holiday came after some Vodature and rum along with young Liam. Then there was Ronnie the black man with no doubt the dong of a black man and a big message to AQUA SPEEDOS!!!!

All of me Gavin and Jojo had our fair share of drunken banter whilst in Egypy as well some of the best include:

Gav: Mon Jimmy Put a shift in!!

Gav: Who the fuck does that prick think he's looking at??

Gav: Thats about as big as ando's cock.

Jojo: Before i met you - Kindergarden cop was NOT a porno.

Jojo: I'm a fucking disgrace.

Me: SAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!

Me: I feel absolutely muntari'd!!

Me: I just wanted to show the world the state of this cunt!!

Me: Aye, take me hame!!

Then just to sign off in the same way we started - as i left the Badawia i pulled down the 20 ft metal detector with the straps of my bag and the taxi driver lost jos bag from the roof when doing 100 plus along the motorway!!!!

its game time that was dre's fav line bak when proof was in the booth and i resited his lines and i still think about my n*gga from time to time make me wana call 50 at let him know wots on my mind but i just hold bak cause we aint beefing like that he aint big and i aint pac and we just eatin off rap ONE LOVE.