YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STONER WHEN..

..You were born WHITE but all your friends assume you're Chinese!



Q: How do you get a one armed stoner out of a tree?

A. Wave.



YOU KNOW YOU'RE STONED WHEN..

..You lock your keys in your car and it takes an hour to get out of it.



Q: Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?

A: She thought it was diet coke.



YOU KNOW YOU'RE STONED WHEN..

..You think everyone is staring at you and there's nobody in the room.



YOU KNOW YOU'RE STONED WHEN..

..You’re too phoned to stone home.



Cocaine is God's way of saying you earn far too much.


Q: What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.


A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

I have been waiting, all of my life
For you to come along, and make everything alright
My body's shaking, right through my bones
So take me by the hand, please don't leave me here alone

And I wonder if you know just how I feel..
I Feel, Yeah..
And I wonder how i know if this is real..
Is real

'Coz I want you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me
'Coz I need you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me

I have been waiting, all of my life
For you to come along, and make everything alright
My body's shaking, right through my bones
So take me by the hand, please don't leave me here alone


And I wonder if you know just how I feel..
I Feel, Yeah..
And I wonder how i know if this is real..
Is real


'Coz I want you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me
'Coz I need you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me

'Coz I want you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me
'Coz I need you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me

'Coz I want you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me
'Coz I need you to save me,
Just please save me,
Save me