The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon. These are genuine responses!! (from 16 year olds)!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

A - AVAILABLE: For Now

B - BIRTHDAY: 16.04.87

C - CRUSH: Johnny Castle

D - DOG'S NAME: Scary C**T

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO? Debie

F - FAVORITE BAND/SINGER: This Week ... i'm back to soil

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORM: Worms!

H - HOMETOWN: Newry/Belfast

I - INSTRUMENT: Guitar

J - JUGGLE: mummy can

K - KILLED SOMEONE: Yea! All the time! ....?

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: maybe to Knock? ... thoughht i was in Cork

M - MILK FLAVOR: Strawberry

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3, Big Ruairi, Huge Seosy, Wee Cormac

O - ONE WISH: indianaCearuillin ... wit turtles of course

P - PERSON WHO YOU CALLED LAST: Mummy

R - REASON TO SMILE: LIFE!

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Ill Divo lol

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 9.59am ... for class at 10

U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: that would be telling

V - VEGETABLES (and fruits) YOU HATE: Tomatoes!

W - WORST HABIT: living towels around my mum's house lol

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: one for braces... and it went apeshit!

Y - YOUR NUMBER OF FRIENDS ON BEBO: 317 at the min

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Aries

Thanks to everyone who has been calling and texting me during this time. it has meant a lot.

Many of the people on many friend's list would know my daddy through myself, as a local taxi driver and some of you would have gone to his gigs in Omeath. Many of you want to know the funeral time. As it stands, Daddy will be home tonight and therefore the funeral will be on Tuesday morning in St Brigit's church and the burrial will be at St Mary's graveyard.

I would also like it to be made know that despite what you would see and hear in the news, Daddy did not die breaking up a fight. He was a family man not a fighter. He had been murdered for confronting a thug who had badly assulted by nine year old brother like any parent would do.

Thank again to everyone xxx