U KNOW UR A NURSE WHEN...

*-when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the taps with your elbows.

*-when you tell a man you meet for the first time you're a nurse, you're expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you've ever heard.

*-your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.

*-men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.

*-everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.

*-you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.

*-you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.

*-you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.

*-you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass

*- You can identify at least two types of bodily fluid on your shoes and it doesn't faze you in the least

*- You've wished caffeine was available in IV form

*- Friends and family won't watch medical-related TV programmes with you because they are tired of hearing what the actors are
doing wrong

*- The hems of your trousers are held up by steristrips

*- You have been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at
another table throw up

*- You have no problem discussing bowel movements with friends and family and the words "faeces" and "constipation" are thrown around a little more often then they should be

*- You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing

*- Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal

*- Your finger has gone places you never thought possible

*- You have seen more penises than any prostitute

*- You've put someone in restraints and it wasn't a sexual experience

*- You start to speak to all patients with whatever the accent of your 'mother' hospital is ie. really loud annoying Limerick accent when your not from, or live ANYWHERE near Limerick.

*- You have more difficulty dealing with patient's visitors than you do treating the patients.

*-You can say bedpan in 5 different languages

> Please come here, - mere u were told
> My runners smell, - smell o shit of dem tings sham
> Sorry I didn't quite catch that, - shut up talkin shit u gomy
> I was slightly drunk, - ah stop sham i was wrecked sham
> How are you ! - a bye cuz!
> You silly person - you eejit sham
> You really are a silly person - Yoh your pure slow u gomy
> I'm afraid that I can't go for that, - i will in my hole u mad thing
> Let's go out and get drunk - 'mon an we go lushin
> May I have a bag of chips with garlic dressing - garlic chipncheese dare boss
> You unlawful person - f**kin handicap
> There was quite a lot of people - dare was about 40 millin of dem sham!
> Running up the street - goin 90 sham!
> Will you make love to me - giv us a feek dare will ya
> Do you understand me - nah wa i mean
> I will fight you - ill box de hed off ya
> Theres a swimming pool in the house - swimmin pool an all in it sham!!
> Please leave now - goway out ofit
> Run away now - take tackie!
> Have you got a cigarette - me fag dare
> Be quiet - be wisht
> Can you ride a horse - canya jock a horse
> Hello, I met you before in a pub but I can't remember your name - story kid
> Sorry, I didn't quite catch that - wat r u on about
> How are you doing - howz tings cuz
> You are a silly person - u gomy muppet
> You really are a silly person - on my mothers life ur one handicap
> Jennifer, would you come here please - hoy beor MERE!
> Lets drive up and down O'Connell Street in our Johnny Go Fast cars at
3.30am with the 1 petrol we have in the car - mon we go spinnin
> If you continue to talk to me in that tone of voice I will hit you
-keep gettin smart an ill break up u handicap
> I can't think of anything to slag you about, but your last comment
was very funny and everyone is now laughing at me - *HUMDINGER*
>Everyone is laughing at me and i need to regain respect~*down to d'island for back up*

1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep

2. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy and Home and Away

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.

8. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.

10. You carry an umbrella.

11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

12. You don't go to Tesco with all your friends.

13. You have standing orders and direct debits.

14. The heating works in your house.

15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

19. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.

22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

23. You don't know what time Abrakebabra closes anymore.

24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.

26. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.

27. You don't put half-finished pizza in the fridge to eat later.

28. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.

29. You "hate scrounging students".

30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs/traffic cones when drunk.

31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.

32. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.

33. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.

34. You always know where you are when you wake up.

35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.

37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and
>pregnancy tests.

38. A EUR3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

41. You don't tolerate mice living in your kitchen.

42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.

43. You don't go to Lidl to buy Vodka.

44. You hoover.

45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

46. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".

47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (not bebo hehe)

48. You don't experiment with banned substances.

49. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.

50. Lunchtime is not 'the morning'