All this panic and chaos over the Taliban and various terror organisations, here's a plan for all you sour pusses wanting to scare folks...funorism. I think you could boost your ranks ten fold if you just smile a bit more. You could incorporate it into any attack plans you have in your wee nasty heads.

Funorism, as i call it, is the constant 'butterflies in your stomach' and excited feeling you'll get waiting for the next delightful attack. Each wave would either induce laughter or an aaawww.

A few ideas...

On ground - Chop Sueycide Bombers

Feeling tired after a hard days work? Can't really be bothered cooking up some grub? Why not get a chinese in...with a difference! Picture the scanario, delivery man comes to you door,'How much?' you ask. The delivery man replies,
'It's on the house!' and BOOM whatever you ordered bursts out of his vest jacket straight into your bowl...result. Now that's fast food.

By Sea - Whale of a time!

Imagine being bored on your cruise ship out at sea....sigh, nothing to do and the free buffet no longer brings you joy. Luckily, funorism has got your back, they stuck a dangerous device in the luggage hold...dangerously fun! It triggers off when it senses the all together boredom of the boat and sends out signals in the form of sonar and ta-da you now have all forms of fabulous aquatic life following your ship. Dolphins, whales and possibly nuclear submarines! Get the camera out...aaaawww.

By Air - Long Haul Flights

Transatlantic flight? Geez, what a drag. You're sitting there, uncomfortable and not enough blood flow going around and all that. When suddenly a team of men jump up, and hijack...your thoughts on being restless that is! They proceed to pamper and massage you until you're in a perfect state once again. How luverly.


...just a thought

I was leaving Hamilton to go home for the weekend, a very regular trip i now make. Bags are packed and i'm down by the door, i begin my walk to the train station listening to the Russell Brand podcast for the 1st time on my brand new iPod nano...video i might add.oohh riiiitteee. Grab my train ticket,cashier:bit moody as per usual. I step on the train and take my seat and i realise i've made a fatal flaw, my friend pedro once told me,'don't listen to Russell Brand on public transport, you'll look like a blue tit'. Now i understand,the conductor comes through to check my ticket and i was literally laughing in his face,ung gawd. He moves on, probably feeling a tad down realising he was a train conductor...'train conductor', gawd it sounds like i'm on a steam powered mechanism dunnit?the Hogwarts Express if you may, that's right isn't it?never been a hyauge Potter fan...

Anyways, despite this i carry on listening to the podcast which now has no relevance to this part of the story. Citylink bus ticket: got, Zoo or Nuts:got, Food: need but unfortunately i've expired my wHSmith gift voucher from christmas.gootered. Head over to the bus aisle i'm supposed to be in and FOO MI the size of the queue, but it wasn't so much of a queue as a barricade of people shoving to get to the front of the bus door. Did you know that Great Britain is th only place where the queue system without poles n stuff STILL works? A German girl told me that, anyways not in my case. Do you remember the scene in War of the Worlds when everyone's trying to get on the boat? yup, like that...except the stewards were the giant robots and the bus driver was the ferry driver i FINALLY get to the front of the queue/mess and i get the final seat on the bus, no word of a lie!how cool is that?...nope not cool

I hunt down my seat on the packed bus and to my glee and wonderment i'm in between a man with possibly the worst B.O EEEEVERRR! honestly it smelt like rotten vegetables wrapped in pubic hair. And to my left, standing in at a weight of 35oz from obsessive use, he's hard to understand, he smells like alchohol and has a needle in his arm; ladies and gentleman a junkee who is actually junkeed!!! I sit down next to him and he chats to me in murmurs, i smile and nod politely hoping he doesn't spot the bulge in my pocket that is my delightful new iPod. i make it through the journey...barely. Having made a train conductor realise he'd gone down 'the wrong road', been through the apocalypse in the form a bus queue and braved BO bad enough to slay a dragoneous skunk and a junkee hell bent to ruin my journey by murmuring to me casting junkee spells and hex's...all in a day's work really.

'i miss carwashes'

We departed from jamo's after having practised for our upcoming gig at Medina with acoustic edinburgh. We had been booked a couple of months in advance and weren't sure what to expect. We were supposed to be supporting a band named stealer but due to mysterious circumstances the singer had lost his voice an had pulled out of the event. So there the three muskateers stood about to enter medina when we thought, 'what if they were expecting a full band?' SHHIIIIITTTT!...we just had to wait and see.

As we entered through the secret entrance to Medina, we were taken a back by what we had found...a chinese opium den. This place was suuuperb, big sofa type bed things everywhere, so so chilled out. Moving on, we introduced ourselves to the promoter, had a nice chat when he announced, 'there's been a cock-up, i forgot i'd booked you and we've got a full bill' but after a wee discussion they squeezed us in for a three song set, same as everyone else equal rights init? six free drinks n all nane baaad.

As we picked ourselves up off the sofa and stood up to sit down again to play our set, we were in our element, i could've fallen asleep singing, that place has an aura and a half, a new regular definitly.

After our set, we'd been assured we'd be invited back for a longer set and everyone enjoyed it. ah...acceptance tiz rooobar. looking forward to playing there again indefinitly, its a free night also! Then we moved around the corner to forest cafe in which we played an hour and a half set, intimate, alluring, sensual. It was a mass orgie of music LOVING IT! two gigs in one night up for that again.

so after all this sensual acoustics what do we do....DRUM N BASS SPLIT!!!!! BRRAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!

tut tut