SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

* In Kazakhstan Barbra means to eat and Bush means Bush.

—Talking to an american lady about Barbra Bush (George Bush Snr's wife).

* You have big bollocks!

—Talking to an english farmer about his Bullocks.

* Ah so you are retarded.

—Talking to a retired english gent

* I like sex!

— Talking about sex

* Jagshemash! My name a Borat. I like you. I like sex, it's nice. These are my country of a Kazakhstan.

— Presenting his new movie

* My mother, she never love me. (Stifled chuckle) She say she wish she was raped by someone else.

— Talking to a couple of older southern gents

* This my neighbor, Nursultan Tuleiakbay. He is pain in my assholes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock-radio, he cannot afford. Great success!

—Talking about his neighbor in the beginning of his movie.

* Last night I...I had a sex.

—Making conversation to an elder woman at a formal lunch

* Her vagine hang like a sleeve of wizard.

—Talking to a car salesman - referring to his former wife

* In Kazakhstan, three main issues: economic, social, and Jew.

— Introducing Kazakhstan to America

* This suit is NOT black!

— Unsuccessfully attempting a "not" joke with help from a humor instructor

* This suit is black not.

— Still failing to make a "not" joke correctly

* My moustache still tastes of your testes!

— Speaking to his producer Azamat after the two had a nude wrestling match

* I hope President Bush drinks the blood of every man, woman, and child in Iraq!

— Talking to a rodeo crowd before singing the Kazakh national anthem

* I will look upon your treasures, gyspy. This is understood?

Confusing a woman conducting a yard sale with a gypsy

* Gypsy, give me your tears. If you will not give them to me, I will take them from you!

Still not understanding what a yard sale is

* They have return! And they shape shift!

Mistaking cockroaches in his room at a bed and breakfast with "shape-shifting" Jews

* My wife, she is dead...She die in ahh, in a field...

—Making conversation in "British Guide to Ettiquette"

* There is a smell, I wo...It smell like a shit.

—Making conversation at a formal lunch

* I like you, do you like me? In Kazakstahn we think America technologely very good, and now I see is a very primitive.

— Talking to a man who is demonstrating carpentry techniques from the 19th century

* My sister...she´s a...prostitute. (Answer: That´s sad, why?). She like to make money, high five!

—Making conversation to an elder woman at a formal lunch

* May I ask you are a man who does with another man?

—A question posed to a man attending the Henley Regatta

* Mow the fucking Bucks!

—Cheering on a team at the Henley Regatta

* Do you like a porno?

—Making conversation at a formal lunch

* Throw the Jew down the well, so my country can be free. You must grab him by his horns, and then we have a big party.

— Singing in a country bar in USA

* They do a bang bang bang in other men anus

—Talking to James Broadwater*

* We say in Kazakhstan, a man who goes to power, must have a big... how you say? (gestures to his groin). How you say...Khram?

— Talking to James Broadwater and a possible voter

* Every Englishman must have a hobby. Some like to collect the stamp, some like to make the jam, but the most fun is to a kill a little animal with a shotgun or rip them up with wild dog.

—Commenting on English hunting

* Is possible make a shit your house immediately, very urgent, I have problem, please?

— Asking a possible voter of James Broadwater

* In Kazakhstan we have many hobbies: disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis.

—Talking about hobbies

* There are many job opportunities in the US and of A. For men, construction worker, taxi driver or accountant. For woman, prostitute.

—

==========================
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. =============
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
=============