I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I’m hungry = Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.

You’re really pretty = I’m going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m soooo drunk = I’m planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You’re my best friend, man = You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship = You’re a nice girl but you’re very heavy and I’d rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

(CLASSIC LINE!!)>>>>
*Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.*

I’m totally fine, dude = I’m totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.

What’s up, Bro? = What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?

Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio? = Hey, I’m going to ask you about class because I’m too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

So whose round is it?
please don't say me, please don't say me, please don't say me.

I can't believe you're drunk already!
I've been milking a Miller Lite all night while you've been downing Whiskey Sours.

C'mon, she has nice big tits - She may well indeed be horrendously fat and I'll take a lot of shit for this tomorrow but I'm going to make petty justifications to satisfy my lust monkey.

Man, check her out. = I'm way too intoxicated to tell if she's attractive or if she's a three-toed sloth. Your reaction should be helpful in deciding which she is.

She has pretty eyes. = See "She has big tits"

I'm just too tired. = Yes, I have whiskey dick.

This place is shit. Let's go = I have tried for 45 minutes and can not find a woman I want to have sex with.

or = I got shot down by a couple girls over there and want to leave before they tell every woman in here about my half assed drunken attempts.

You have beautiful eyes. - And an ugly face.

The crowd was really bad.
-I was the best looking person there

The crowd was really snobby.
- I was the ugliest person there

Yeah, all bouncers suck.
-I'm too ugly to get in anywhere

that girl is totally eyeing me= she glanced and looked away in revulsion

dude, this girl was totally in to me= she gave me a fake name and left

That fat chick is kinda cute =
Take my keys away immediately; I am in no condition to be driving tonight.

What are you drinking? =
There is no more beer left. Make me one of those.

This is my beer- This is really your beer but since you don't remember and this one is more full I'm going to take it.

Drunkerportation - You're out for a night of drinking when someone calls out "Hey, let's go to XXX!" You blink your eyes once only to realize that you are at said location, with no memory of how you got there, who came with you, or how you got in.

I have to go find my friends. : I'm trying to get the hell away from you.

Do you want to go back to your place? : I still live with my parents.

In Ireland ...

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else
will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance
you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your
ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your
leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's
a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a > suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of
respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the
home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of
Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in
front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the
light turns green.

11. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get
ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

12. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No
one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good
An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks
A sister-in-law -I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - it's ugly but it's still running
A Kate Moss - thinned it
An IRA shot - hitting a provisional
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water