1. You do 'the

lap' and nobody stops you because nobody knows you.

2. You get in when the doors are closings and your drunk cos the

bouncers feel you won't be any trouble.

3. They don't ask for ID and wonder why you've stopped.

4. You think the smoking room is grand and quiet.

5. All the songs they play that they played when you were young that

are still being played are not really getting a huge reaction anymore.

6. You sing along to these songs.

7. When you do meet someone you know both of you have the same excuse

about not planning to go out and winding up in CP's for a laugh.

8. You meet someones younger sister or brother smoking and think it's

just wrong.

9. You think the girls are unreal hot but somehow have no desire to

score them cos they're just that bit to young.

10. You don't see those old guys that kinda creeped you out when you

were first going there. (it's you now) 11. You think a lot of the

music they play has no tune and is really just noise.

12. You wonder if there is a market for a nightclub that play's lounge

music.

13. You spend the night talking about CP's like it's an old friend

that you don't see anymore.

14. You conclude that those were the days.

15. You settle behind the DJ box because it's that bit quieter and

near the jacks bar and smoking room. It's also got a nice draft.

16. You order a pint of beer instead of a bottle because you know it's

cheaper.

17. You spend the last hour or so looing at your watch and secretly

hoping it's a 2am close.

18. When the music stops you leave and don't have a jacket to collect

cos you never put it in.

19. You don't finish your drink because you've had enough and want to

beat the queues.

20. You don't hang around outside to see what's happening.

21. You head to the Charcoal Grill not supermac's 22. The state of

town after the night clubs disgusts you.

23. You don't look to pull at the chipper.

24. You ring a cab and your there waiting for it when it arrives.

25. You discuss the recession not the boom with the driver.

26. You don't at any point direct the driver to your house because he

knows exactly where you live.

27. You don't stay up when you get home.

28. You tell people the next day you didn't go out.

Your' re as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust

of *the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

She ' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a

nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall