Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace -- shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.

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Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Mandy: Stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Mandy: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"

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Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.

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Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in.

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[A line of prisoners files past a jailer.]
Jailer: Crucifixion?
Prisoner: Yes.
Jailer: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. [Next prisoner.] Crucifixion?
Prisoner 2: Er, no, freedom actually.
Jailer: What?
Prisoner 2: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Jailer: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Prisoner 2: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Jailer: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Prisoner 2: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.

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Wise man: We were led by a star.
Brian's mother: Led by a bottle, you mean.

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Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack! [they all stab themselves] That showed 'em, huh?

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Brian's Mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!

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Brian: I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!

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Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

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Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Beggar: That's what Jesus said.

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Brian: You are all individuals!
The Crowd: We are all individuals!

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Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I'm not!

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Mandy: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
Mandy: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.

FECKIN IRISH LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!

Did ya hear that de scrubber and de wagon were plastered last night and ended up in a mill?

This sentence makes perfect sense to most Irish people, but to everyone else on the planet it means the following:
'Did you hear that the cleaning utensil and the four wheeled horse-drawn cart were covered in a lime/sand/water mixture and then transported to a processing factory, with fatal consequences.'

So for all those so unfortunate not to be Irish, heres a dictionary, and if anyone feels that any of the listed phrases have been incorrectly translated they can go and ask me arse.

A-
Arseways = Mishmash, total mess
B-
Bang On = Correct, perfect
Banjaxed = Broken, severely damaged
BIFFO = Big ignorant fucker from offaly
Bogger = A person of rural extraction
Bollixed = Somewhat in excess of the legal alcohol limit, Extremely tired
Boyo = Male juvenile
Brutal = Awful, terrible
C-
Craic = Fun
Culchie = A person whos birthplace is beyond Dublin city limits
D-
Deadly = Great, brilliant, fantastic
Doss = Failure to attend school/work during specified hours
Dry Shite = Someone of limited social skills
E-
Eat the head off = To complain about in an aggressive manner
Ejit = Person of limited mental capacity
F-
Fair Play! = Well done!
Feck = Politically correct term for fuck
Fierce = Very, extremely
Fine Thing = Attractive man or woman
Full Shilling(not the) = Mentally challenged
G-
Gaf = Home
Gee = Female reproductive organ
Gee-eyed = Having partaken of large quantity of alcohol
Get off with = Be successful with a romantic advance
Go and shite! = I am not in agreement with your suggestion
Gobshite = Person of below average IQ
Gurrier = Hooligan
H-
Heavily defeated
Hop = Play truant from school
Howaya = Hello, hi
J-
Jackeen = A rural persons name for a dubliner
Jacks = Toilet
Jammers = Extremely crowded
Janey Mack = expression of utter disbelief
Jayzus = Jesus Christ
Jo Maxi = Taxi
K-
Kick the shite out of = violently assault
Kip = A dump
Knackered = Very tired
L-
Lash = to rain heavily/attractive woman
Leg It = To flee rapidly
M-
Mankey = Filthy, disgusting
Mill = Publin brawl
Mitch = To play truant
Mot = Girlfriend
N-
Nip = Nude
O-
Oul'wan = Mother
Oul'fella = Father
P-
Paralytic = So over the alcohol limit one passes out
Piss Up = Night of imbibing alcohol
Plastered = Very drunk
Puss = sulky face
R-
Ride = An attractive person/ to engage in intercourse
S-
Scarlet = Embarrassed, blushing
Scratcher = Bed
Scrubber = Woman of little sophistication
Shag = To have sexual intercourse
Shattered = Very tired, requiring sleep
Shite = Of extraordinarily poor quality
Slag = Make fun of
Slapper = Female of low morals and poor taste in clothing
T-
Thick = Extremely stupid
W-
Wagon = Unattractive woman
Wrecked = Extremely tired /ugly
Y-
Yer wun = Female whose name is unknown
Yar wa?! = Alleged method of proposing to ones sweetheart on Dublins northside

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley
and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed
as
you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same
speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


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Answer:
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed