LANGLEY, VA — A report released Tuesday by the CIA's Office of the Inspector General revealed that the CIA has mistakenly obscured hundreds of thousands of pages of critical intelligence information with black highlighters.

According to the report, sections of the documents— "almost invariably the most crucial passages"—are marred by an indelible black ink that renders the lines impossible to read, due to a top-secret highlighting policy that began at the agency's inception in 1947.

CIA Director Porter Goss has ordered further internal investigation.

"Why did it go on for this long, and this far?" said Goss in a press conference called shortly after the report's release. "I'm as frustrated as anyone. You can't read a single thing that's been highlighted. Had I been there to advise [former CIA director] Allen Dulles, I would have suggested the traditional yellow color—or pink."

Goss added: "There was probably some really, really important information in these documents."

When asked by a reporter if the black ink was meant to intentionally obscure, Goss countered, "Good God, why?"

Goss lamented the fact that the public will probably never know the particulars of such historic events as the Cold War, the civil-rights movement, or the growth of the international drug trade.

"I'm sure the CIA played major roles in all these things," Goss said. "But now we'll never know for sure."

In addition to clouding the historical record, the use of the black highlighters, also known as "permanent markers," may have encumbered or even prevented critical operations. CIA scholar Matthew Franks was forced to abandon work on a book about the Bay Of Pigs invasion after declassified documents proved nearly impossible to read.

"With all the highlighting in the documents I unearthed in the National Archives, it's really no wonder that the invasion failed," Franks said. "I don't see how the field operatives and commandos were expected to decipher their orders."

The inspector general's report cited in particular the damage black highlighting did to documents concerning the assassination of John F. Kennedy, thousands of pages of which "are completely highlighted, from top to bottom margin."

"It is unclear exactly why CIA bureaucrats sometimes chose to emphasize entire documents," the report read. "Perhaps the documents were extremely important in every detail, or the agents, not unlike college freshmen, were overwhelmed by the reading material and got a little carried away."

Also unclear is why black highlighters were chosen in the first place. Some blame it on the closed, elite culture of the CIA itself. A former CIA officer speaking on the condition of anonymity said highlighting documents with black pens was a common and universal practice.

"It seemed counterintuitive, but the higher-ups didn't know what they were doing," the ex-officer said. "I was once ordered to feed documents into a copying machine in order to make backups of some very important top-secret records, but it turned out to be some sort of device that cut the paper to shreds."

NEW YORK — In what many are calling the most comprehensive study of its kind, Staten Island historians Robert Wilburn and Charles Tinsley have successfully traced the lines of the infamous Wu-Tang Clan all the way back to 1993 A.D.

The monumental undertaking, which is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the field of hip-hop genealogy, used a series of historical records—including Wu-Tang Forever, Iron Flag, and 8 Diagrams—to piece together the group's vast and intricate ancestry.

"Through our exhaustive research, we have determined not only the start of the Wu-Tang Clan's reign, but also the very moment of its legendary downfall," said Wilburn, who has authored numerous books on the House of RZA. "Indeed, we now have conclusive proof as to why all the other wannabe MCs bowed down to this dynastic force."

According to Wilburn, it took trained scholars hundreds of hours to parse out Wu-Tang's complex lineage, with experts in nearly every discipline studying the group's dope oral traditions, as well as its customary and often fresh style of dress.

"It was an immense project," said Tinsley, who coauthored the 450-page genealogical report. "For instance, it took us months to conclude that Ol' Dirty Bastard, Dirt McGirt, Big Baby Jesus, Osirus, Dirt Dog, and Peanut the Kidnapper were all the same person."

"Still, a number of exciting new discoveries were made," Tinsley continued. "We learned that RZA does in fact come from the same royal bloodline as Prince Rakim, and that Method Man, as many have suspected in the past, always holds the mic sideways when bustin'."

In all, nearly 300 descendants of the Wu-Tang Clan were identified and cataloged by the two historians, including Buddha Monk, Hook Ninja, K-Blunt, Tommy Whispers, Kryme Life, and Trife Da God.

Tinsley was quick to note, however, that the total number of Wu-Tang descendants was impossible to calculate, and could very well reach into the tens of thousands.

"While the Clan is generally associated with tales of conquest, slaughter, and 'bringing da motherfuckin' ruckus,' it must also be noted that its members were prolific lovers who expanded the empire by sowing their seed all across the country," Tinsley said. "Who knows, perhaps my very own children are direct descendants of Ghostface Killah."

Emerging from the slums of Shaolin—located near Wudang Mountain in Park Hill, Staten Island—the Wu-Tang Clan went on to form the largest contiguous rap empire of the late 20th century. The Clan flourished under the rule of RZA, who led his lyrical assassins into a number of heated freestyle battles, and introduced them to a string of new influences, including Kung Fu films and silver-age Iron Man comics.

"During its height, the Wu-Tang Clan acquired a great deal of wealth and notoriety," Wilburn said. "One need only look at Ol' Dirty Bastard's dental records to get a sense of the incredible treasures they possessed."

Despite conquering nearly 80 percent of the rap world, Wilburn said that the Clan's downfall was inevitable. Seeking even greater riches, and fueled by internal feuds, key members such as GZA, Raekwon, Masta Killa, U-God, and Inspectah Deck soon set out on their own.

This dynastic split, Wilburn claimed, is what makes the Wu-Tang Clan's lineage so hard to piece together.

"Tracing the exact origin of descendants like Lord Superb, Maddam Scheez, Free Murda, and June Lova is nearly impossible, as only a small percentage of their personal records were ever released and firsthand accounts often differ greatly," Wilburn said. "However, our greatest challenge may be that many of the artifacts from this era have been completely lost to time."

"Many believe that the location of the original 36 Chambers is buried somewhere beneath what today is the Staten Island Mall," Wilburn continued. "Unfortunately, unless that T.J. Maxx shuts down, and the mall's food court goes out of business, we may never know the truth."

"Still,

FADE IN:

EXT. MIDDLE EAST

Some TOTALLY AWESOME AND BAD ASS MILITARY SHIT flies around ready to fucking kick some fucking ass! JOSH DUHAMEL, TYRESE GIBSON, AMAURY NOLASCO, and ZACK WARD act masculine and spit their lines through clenched teeth.

TYRESE GIBSON

Man, all of this military shit is starting to give me the creeps.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Because you know that one of these vehicles is going to turn into a murderous gigantic robot?

TYRESE GIBSON

No, because Michael Bay shoots military scenes the way other people shoot pornos. Is there even a name for a fetish where people get off on army gear?


ZACK WARD

I can’t wait to get out of this generic middle eastern war zone.

(wistful)

Getting back home, enjoying a baseball game and a beer…

JOSH DUHAMEL

…holding my newborn daughter for the first time…

TYRESE GIBSON

…wasting eight bucks on a Michael Bay noisefest…

Eventually, MICHAEL BAY feels satisfied that he has given these characters enough personality that people will care about them, so it’s time for something LOUD!

A HELICOPTER turns into a FUCKING GIANT FUCKING ROBOT and SHOOTS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING! Nobody important dies, but the robot, BLACKOUT, steals some files.

BLACKOUT

Roflcopter! I’m in ur networx, haxx0ring ur filez!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

SHIA LABEOUF gives an oral report on his grandfather to a class of ADULTS pretending to be TEENAGERS.

SHIA LABEOUF

Yeah, so my great, great grandfather used to be a famous explorer. I’m selling his glasses on eBay. He went crazy, saying he discovered a giant robot buried in the ice.

TEACHER

Excellent expository report, Shia. You crammed in about as much plot-relevant information as possible so that the writers wouldn’t have to do anything clever with it. A-.

SHIA LABEOUF

Great, now I can go buy a car that’s actually a robotic alien sent to earth to protect me. It’s a good thing the evil robots waited to attack the planet until after I’m old enough to drive.

SHIA finds a yellow ‘74 Camaro named BUMBLEBEE that he likes solely because there’s a black stripe on the car, indicating that SHIA is a moron.

BERNIE MAC

You should buy this car from me, because I’m slimy and fast-talking. Five thousand dollars.

SHIA LABEOUF

Four thousand - I figure you owe me a thousand from the time I accidentally watched an episode of The Bernie Mac show.

BERNIE refuses to negotiate, but then BUMBLEBEE uses his stereo to completely destroy the windows of BERNIE’S other cars.

SHIA LABEOUF

Ha, now that’s a Camaro with attitude! I assume four thousand is enough now!

BERNIE MAC

My God. My entire inventory. Ruined. I’ll never be able to pay for the repairs to all of these vehicles. My business is ruined. You single-handedly just completely destroyed my life. All because I wanted another thousand dollars for the coolest car on the fucking planet.

BERNIE probably goes home and kills himself, but we don’t care because we want to see more GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS.

INT. GOVERNMENT AGENCY

JON VOIGHT talks to a group of high school students.

JON VOIGHT

Someone hacked a bunch of our files. We need you high school computer whizzes to help us.

RACHAEL TAYLOR

Why high school students?

JON VOIGHT

They’re our target demographic. Look, we’re not even going to pretend the premise of this movie makes sense. Let it go, we’re just trying to sell toys and cars.

A SMALL, TOTALLY OBNOXIOUS ROBOT hacks into the government again, this time from a moving airplane, because COMPUTER NETWORKS are MAGICAL.

RACHAEL TAYLOR

I think the obnoxious robot has somehow uploaded a computer virus to the network.

JON VOIGHT

It uploaded a destructive virus to a completely foreign network that is somehow compatible with the virus code? Only Michael Bay would think it was worth ripping off the stupidest part of Independence Day for his own movie.

A GEORGE W.