1. GMTV
2. Loose Women
3. Dr Karl Kennedy
4. Freddie Mercury
5. Rom-Coms
6. Hugh Grant
7. Ovaries
8. Fake tan
9. Lady Sovereign
10. The Labour Party
11. Financial Times
12. My Wife
13. My wife's cat
14. (Strictly) Dancing (on ice)
15. Not being on Big Brother
16. But I'm going to be on the British version of You've Got Talent (coming to the small screen in April)
17. Mr. Peden
18. Mr. Peden looks like Freddie Mercury
19. Bridget Jones and her diary
20. The size 0 debate
21. BBC3
22. Rigger
23. Stacey from Eastenders
24. Bradley from Eastenders
25. Nixx
26. The number 26
27. That film Jim Carey's in called 23.
28. Apparently it's not very good.
29. Not that I would know. I don't watch films.
30. Unless I star in them.

David Hasselhoff has been offering words of wisdom to Britain's Prime Minister.
The former Baywatch star made a beeline for Tony Blair - who is resigning as Prime Minister next year - at the after-show bash for the Pride of Britain Awards, which honour members of the public for their bravery.
According to Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper, Hasselhoff said: "I think youre great, you should just hang on in there. Don't listen to all the negativity Tony. Stick with it."
Blair returned the praise, gushing to another reveller: "He's just phenomenal, isnt he?"
Hasselhoff - who recently returned to the music charts with his hit single Jump In My Car - was also overheard rubbishing reports that he turned up drunk for a British TV appearance.
The actor allegedly fell asleep during a commercial break while filming an interview on GMTV.
He was overheard saying at the bash on Monday (06.11.06): "I dont know what all the fuss was about. I hadnt had a drop. I never drink before going on TV."

1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live.

3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f_ down.

10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet.The water gets David.

11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.

12. In fine print on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh*t.

14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammys are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22. When David Hasselhoff does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. But David Hasselhoff likes it to be known that using telekinesis, he made Tom Cruise mix red and white together, knowing fully well that the resulting colour would not be worthy of his creation. David Hasselhoff invented telekinesis.

25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

27. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.

28. David Hasselhoff had sex with Al Gore's mother, thus, making him the real creator of the internet.