1.
Symptom: Your feet are wet and cold.
Fault: You are holding your glass at an incorrect angle.
Action: Swivel glass so that top points towards ceiling.

2.
Symptom: The wall opposite you has ceiling lights.
Fault: You have collapsed and are lying on your back.
Action: Superglue your elbow to the bar.

3.
Symptom: Beer lacking colour abd flavour.
Fault: Empty glass.
Action: Find out whos round it is.

4.
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: You have missed your gob.
Action: Use this as an excuse to practise more drinking.

5.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed, everyone has gone home and no-one saw you lying under the pool-table.
Action: Get comfortable. They'll be opening in a few hours and you'll be ideally placed for another session.

6.
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you smiling and clapping.
Fault: You are doing a strip-tease on the pool-table.
Action: Pray you have clean underwear on.

7.
Symptom: Ceiling moving.
Fault: Paramedics are carrying you out on a strecher.
Action: Ask if they have a bar at the hospital.