I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction. Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Glaciation. Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production. Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion. Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass production. Urbanization. Immigration. World conflagration. League of Nations. Suffrage extension. Depression. World conflagration. Fission explosions. United Nations. Space exploration. Assassinations. Lunar excursions. Resignation. Computerization. World Trade Organization. Terrorism. Internet expansion. Reunification. Dissolution. World-Wide Web creation. Composition. Extrapolation?

I LOVE This Song!
= I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly
= Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I’m hungry
= Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.

You’re really pretty
= I’m going to be really ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie?
= Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m soooooooo drunk (said by a girl)
= I’m excusing myself from any blame for my actions tonight.
(or)
= I'm sooooooooo horny

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know?
= I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You’re my best friend... man!
= You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship
= You’re a nice girl but you’re very heavy and I’d rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE!
= This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded
= I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I’m totally fine
= I’m totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes

What’s up, Bro?
= What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio?
= Hey, I’m going to ask you about class because I’m too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out
= I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

So whose round is it?
= PLEASE DON'T BE MINE PLEASE DON'T BE MINE PLEASE DON'T BE MINE
(or)
= I'm out of money and need someone to buy me drink

I can't believe you're drunk already!
= I've been milking a Miller Lite all night while you've been downing Whiskey Sours.

C'mon, she has nice big tits
= She may well indeed be horrendously fat and I'll take a lot of shit for this tomorrow but I'm going to make petty justifications to satisfy my lust monkey.

Man, check her out.
= I'm way too intoxicated to tell if she's attractive or if she's a three-toed sloth. Your reaction should be helpful in deciding which she is.

She has pretty eyes.
= See "She has big tits"

This place is shit. Let's go
= I have tried for 45 minutes and can not find a woman I want to have sex with.
(or)
= I got shot down by a couple girls over there and want to leave before they tell every woman in here about my half assed drunken attempts.

The crowd was really bad
= I was the best looking person there

The crowd was really snobby.
= I was the ugliest person there

Yeah, all bouncers suck.
= I'm too ugly/drunk/both to get in anywhere

that girl is totally eyeing me
= she glanced and looked away in revulsion

dude, this girl was totally in to me
= she gave me a fake name and left

That fat chick is kinda cute...
= Take my keys away immediately; I am in no condition to be driving tonight.

What are you drinking?
= There is no more beer left. Make me one of those.

This is my beer
= This is really your beer but since you don't remember and this one is more full I'm going to take it.

Drunkerportation
= You're out for a night of drinking when someone calls out "Hey, let's go to (insert place here)!" You blink your eyes once only to realize that you are at said location, with no memory of how you got there, who came with you, or how you got in.

I have to go find my friends.
= I'm trying to get the hell away from you.

Do you want to go back to your place?
= I still live with my parents.